KnitForKnot

Where the good Lord split ya...

2011-12-31T20:28:00.000-06:00

So, 2011, let's chat one last time. Let me just start by telling you that you seriously sucked! Big, fat, rotten, putrid, maggot-infested suckage. I normally go with flow, bounce back and smile about all the crap that's been dealt me. I say it's character building, faith strengthening and so on. Right now, I say fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Bone growths sent me to an arthritis specialist - X-rays and blood tests - no known reason for the growths, nothing to be done but wait until they're large enough to really bother me, then surgery to whack them off. Good news - no cancer, not rapidly growing, no real harm done.

Brown recluse spider bite - multiple doctor trips, 8 weeks of antibiotics, 3 months not being able to wear a shoe that touched the spot, a few weeks of painful walking, major swelling, poison in my lymph system, cellulitis, major ugly spot on foot still there and probably always will be. Good thing - no major surgery needed and I now have major sympathy for someone who says they got bit by a spider.

Daddy's cancer - He went in for heart testing and upper GI scope on July 25th. He died December 1st at hospice. I was Daddy's girl. He worried about me driving even if it was just sprinkling out. He worried about me being too stressed out. He worried about my migraines, bone growths and any time I sneezed. He and I had multiple conversations about my dog, Annabelle. I had taken her to him when the kids were born. He kept her. I asked for her back... multiple times. He said she was just fine where she was and there was no sense in moving her. Good news - I suppose I can say it's good that he's no longer suffering.

Female issues - Should have had surgery in August. I postponed, which turned out to be a good thing. Who knew if a large cyst on your ovary burst, that you wouldn't need to have it removed surgically? Finally had surgery a couple of weeks ago and had a mole removed at the same time. Surgery went fine, stitches out when they were supposed to come out for the mole site. Mole site opened up during my sleep, I refuse to get more. Good news - all path reports came back noncancerous.

ER - six hours, 3 days before Christmas. Not fun to feel and think you're having a heart attack. Scared the crap out of everyone that knew about it - all 4 of us, not the kids though. Some kind of swelling around my ribcage causing pain with deep breaths. Good news - not heart attack, not pneumonia, not blood clots. Appointment with internist in my near future.

Annabelle. The straw for me this year. 14 years ago, I lived in Memphis, alone. I heard about some Great Dane/Lab mix puppies that were being mistreated. I got the call about the owner being drunk and allowing folks to get the puppies. I hauled ass in the pouring rain and thunder and picked her up. She fit inside my jacket. I even took her into Walgreens to buy her puppy food and water dish that night and no one knew. I went through a very dark time around then and she rescued me. She kept me sane and taught me that I deserved love and that I could love. I often said that she was my first child. Her health has been declining lately and the Monday after Christmas, I made the decision to let her pass on. I held her in my arms, sobbing and telling her thank you over and over. Telling her I loved her and that she should give Ganny and Papa a kiss for me when she got to heaven. Her head was on my heart and I do believe that she left this world trying to comfort me. I will not be the same after losing her. Her death shut me down. I made it home driving through sobs and tears. I went to bed as soon as I walked in. My children and husband hugged me and tried to tell me it would be alright. I told them, not this time. I did nothing for two days but sit around and cry. Good news - I have none.

These are just the items that I can recall off the top of my head, they don't even include migraines, kids, and general life. So, 2011, bite my lily white ass. I am walking, talking, and sometimes smiling again. I have no desire to initiate conversations, be social or have an upbeat outlook. Yes, I know I'll make it through this. Yes, I know it'll be OK. For right now though, I don't want your encouraging, well-meaning jokes and platitudes about positivity. I don't have the thought that 2012 will be better. I thought 2010 was pretty shitty and had the whole, it'll get better attitude. Look where that got me.

So, 2011, see ya! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya on your way out!

Take care - Me

39 years ago...

2011-11-12T10:10:00.001-06:00

Hey Mom,

As you know, I'll turn 40 tomorrow. I'll spend it at Daddy's bedside wondering how much longer we'll spend on that little bench praying for mercy.

I wonder what you were doing the day before I was born. I wonder how my sister felt and what you saw through her eyes as I was getting ready to come into this world. What did you think I'd look like? What did you think I'd be when I grew up? What kind of person did you hope to see, hope for and love as I grew up?

I think of you every.single.day. I miss you more than I think of you. I wish you could hold my hand and let me lay my head on your shoulder, even if just for a moment.

I wonder how you handled it when your children hurt your heart as we grew up and made mistakes. I wonder about the advice and encouragement you could tell me. I hurt for what is unsaid when I question the emptiness around me.

I know that my sister and I will make it through what we're going through with Daddy. I worry about who I'll be on the other side though. Watching you die almost broke me. Watching Daddy die slower is harder. I wonder how many angels are holding us, and giving us strength that we didn't know we had.

Finally, thank you Mom. Thank you for raising honest, sincere, thankful girls. Thank you for raising girls that feel they can make it through anything, even when we don't want to. Thank you for your love.

Your baby girl.

I want off now...

2011-09-27T09:23:00.000-06:00

I would like to get off this ride now. Please.

So, how have all four of my readers been lately? I speak to a couple of you somewhat regular, but would like to know about my other two. :) You see, I'm very good at avoiding what all is going on in my life right now. I sat down to type my life out and I wind up asking about yours. I know everyone has something in their life that's going on. I also know that I'd rather deal with your life than mine right now.

Here goes:

Since July 30th:

1. My dad has Stage IV Colon Cancer with mets to the abdominal wall and lungs. He's also got a 3.9cm abdominal aortic aneurysm and he's late stage COPD. Surgery is not an option. He had a port implanted and one round of chemo. The port became infected (MRSA) and was removed. He's now too weak to have another port implanted and he's too weak to attempt the chemo. That chemo schedule is 48 hours long every two weeks - for the rest of his life. The original time frame given for that life without chemo was 3-6 months. That was almost 2 months ago. He's been in the hospital since July 25th when he went in for heart testing, blood transfusion and scope. Tick, tock, tick, tock...

2. I was bitten by a Brown Recluse. On July 30th, they think. I still cannot wear a shoe that touches that spot. I was in the ER three times in under 3 weeks. I spent four weeks on heavy duty antibiotics. I had it cut out once. I was miserable and angry that a small arachnid took me out of commission for so long. As a lovely side gift, I also developed cellulitis. The venom traveled through the lymph system of my right foot, ankle, leg and groin. I was not in a happy place. I am better now though and want to say a huge thank you to my nurse friend who tolerated my paranoia and frustration via emailed photos, rants about having to have my foot above my head and my general grumpiness. Thanks Lo!

3. We've started homeshooling. The kids have had strep off and on, poison oak, general illnesses and the normal back-to-school blahs. It's grand. I regularly look up the phone number for our school system and think back to my morning cup of coffee in a quiet house.

4. My thumb is hurting a bit more, and the growth on my other hand at my middle finger has enlarged a bit. I choose to believe that it's due to my restraining from flipping people off. I know that there's nothing to be done about either joint unless I want another surgery. I think I'll pass on that for now, thank you very much.

5. We thought Speedy would be moving to another city 3 hours away. We checked into apartments, logistics and were fully prepared to split our time between two cities. His current employer chose to beat the other offer, so we're staying here full time. I'm still trying to decide if I'm happy about staying here. I'll get back to you on that one.

6. My first child, a Great Dane-Lab mix, is seriously ill. They thought she had an abdominal cancer. She's got colitis. She is almost 14 years old. Yes, I'm well aware that she is really old for the type of dog she is. Yes, she is deaf and half blind. Yes, I cried like a baby when the vet told me about the cancer. Yes, I cried in relief to find out it was not. She's not out of the woods yet, but at least I didn't have to make the decision to put her down just yet.

7. I seem to have lost my shit storm umbrella. If you would, please, look around for it. I will travel to have it back. Also, I realize it only lasts for about a year or so when I do have it, but I've realized that things quickly embark in a hand-basket when I don't have it.

So, that's all I can think of for right now. I have to get back to my hair-pulling, lip-blubbering corner now. If I've missed something, feel free to leave it in the comments. I'm hoping to one day look back on this post and realize how good that day is. To see where I was, where I've been and where I've come to.

Thanks & Take care - Me.

Edited to add at 11:41am on 9/27/11: We just got word that Daddy also has focal pneumonia. Crap. That is all, carry on.

Wherein I almost get put in Juvi...

2011-08-31T15:35:00.002-06:00

In the state of Mississippi one must go to the truancy office to fill out a card stating that you are homeschooling your children in order to legally have them not enrolled in the public school system. The deadline for this is September 15th and the only thing you legally have to put on there is your child's name and address.

So, normally, I have filled my cards out before our public schools ever start back. This year I've had a wee bit going on and only just remembered yesterday evening that I've failed to do this yet. Today, I set out to get this done and made my way to the Juvenile Center where our truancy officer has their office. Yes, Juvi. As in, you must go through the metal detectors, past the armed officer to get your cards to fill out. The children decided last year that they would prefer not to go with me again as last year I fortuitously chose a court day unknowingly. It was not a pretty site or experience.

This year, I did luck out and arrived on a day & time where I was the only one in the waiting area. Until they walked in. They, being a grandmother, mother and young girl. They needed two cards and each of the older ladies proceeded to fill out their cards. At some point, the mother says to anyone listening that she cannot remember her address and she asks her daughter. I thought that it was a "teaching/learning" moment, until the daughter replies, "Mom, you know I'm not smart enough to remember that kind of stuff!" I did not engage in conversation. I am just nonsocial like that. This did not stop the younger lady from talking to me.

She asked if I belonged to the local Christian homeschooling group. I replied that no, I did not and that I'd chosen to join a group called PEAK, which is an all-inclusive group. Yes, I used that term. No, she did not know the definition. Yes, she asked. Yes, I explained that it boiled down to my group accepting all people, no matter what their religious affiliation, or lack thereof. This means that we have Episcopalians, Catholics, Baptists, Methodists and even those that chose not to believe in a higher power at all. Yes, I said all of this with a smile and used my ma'ams when called for. - Crickets could be heard chirping. - Large, looming eyes staring at me. - Indrawn breath. - Silence.

I continue to fill out my cards and figure that would be the end of that. Instead, she actually asked how much it was to join this group. Me - free. She asked how she could contact them. I replied that we have an online forum and a Facebook page. - Silence. Large, looming eyes again. - She then informs me that they don't believe in using those computers. (As if, you know, spawn of satan would come through a keyboard.)

At this point, I lose all sense of proper social etiquette and any desire to attempt such. I explain that I really don't feel our group is for her. She really needs to stick to the Christian group where her required statement of faith will give her some semblance of backbone. I know people in that group, some of them I consider friends and some not. I tell her she will fit in just fine there and that PEAK is not for her and her closed mindedness.

I am now done filling out my cards. I get up, walk to the bullet proof window and hand over my cards to the young lady who is laughing her so hard she can hardly speak. I apologized to her for any disruption, which she answers with, "Honey, you have made my day!"

Before I can make it out the door, I hear the mother asking where to put the curriculum that they will be using. The desk lady explains that she can just write in Abeka, Sonlight, etc. at the bottom of the form. The mother explains that they are using the exact same books as our public county schools. - HUH? WTH? Why would you choose to use the exact same books as public schools at your house? No, I do not ask these out loud. See previous nonsocial statement.

I walked out, got in my Honda and realized that the good Lord I believe in had just clearly answered one of my prayers. I had been thinking of joining the local Christian homeschool group because they have a wider range of children whose ages are close to my kids. I truly feel the Lord told me today that this is not the group for me. In no uncertain terms. I also feel that there were those looking down at this thinking, crap! I was looking forward to the fireworks when she joined that group! ;) I am also fairly certain that my mom got called to the "office" on this one. Knit for Knot Mom, please come to the office. Knit for Knot is at it again!

Take care - Me

PS - I know that there are some things that I will be blogging about on here soon. Right now, I am not really in the mood to start talking about the cancer journey again. For those who don't know, my Dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with mets to the abdominal wall and lungs. Three years ago, we lost my mother to pancreatic cancer. I am on the same road as then basically, just a different view.

Not too wordy...

2011-03-23T12:48:00.003-06:00

Well, I suppose that one cannot accuse me of being too prolific with words on this blog. ;) I have not been wasting anyone's time or eyesight by updating unnecessarily.

It is also very difficult for me to believe that it's been so long since I've posted anything on here. I do believe that we've entered some space-time continuum.

We're all doing quite well. As with anything in life, there's ups, downs and in-betweens. The main thing is we are still hanging in there and doing the very best we can. I'm coming more and more into the mindset that life is what you make of it. Shit happens and if you let yourself solely focus on that, then shit is what you'll get out of it. I'm trying to stay out of the shit - it stinks, is hard to clean up and leaves a lingering smell and yuck factor.

The kids are doing great. Racing has started back and already we've been to Talladega for Rokimus to race. A wicked fast, 1/4 mile, high-banked track where, in both classes, he qualified 5th and finished 2nd. He turned a 10.95 second lap in one of the races, so that'll tell you he was going pretty fast. :) My gray hair count went up significantly this weekend. Moosie will start her racing season this weekend at our local track race night.

Speedy has had some job changes as his hospital got bought out at the beginning of the year. There's always an adjustment period, but he's hanging in there and putting feelers out for jobs in other areas. With his dad being gone, we don't feel comfortable moving too far away yet, so we'll have to see how it all pans out.

Homeschooling is still happening and I'm happy to report that I'm much more laid-back about it this year. The kids are in charge of their own time management, and while it's not the perfect scenario every week, they are doing pretty good with it. For some reason, they don't like the idea of having to complete schoolwork on the weekends at the track in between races. ;)

I've had another bone growth on my other hand come up in the past month or so, and have gotten an appointment with the rheumatology center in May. The hand doc that performed my last surgery seems to think that's the direction we need to head in. Right now, it's not terribly painful or large so it's pretty much a non-issue other than finding out why in the world my bones feel the need to produce like rabbits in places that have no need of extra growth. On the other hand, (no pun intended) I'm really not concerned with osteoporosis.

Well, that's enough babble for now. Hope all four of you that read this are doing well. I know that three of you are, but for my anonymous reader that emails once in a blue moon - I really hope life's going well for you! :) Look me up on facebook if you'd like. I'm much more (sporadically) likely to update there.

Take care - Me

Happy Birthday Mom...

2010-07-07T12:47:00.003-06:00

I miss you.

Much has gone on in the last few months. Racing season has started and I've even tried my hand at kart racing. I'm really looking forward to trying it again. I feel if I could just stop giggling while racing, I'd do much better! I also was offered a deal with a kart racing magazine for my photos. Pretty exciting stuff.

Then the bottom dropped out - again. My father in law, Grandaddy Chief, passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. He died exactly how he'd always said he wanted - fast & in his sleep. He was such an amazing man. Patience, acceptance, knowledge and understanding inhabited his very being. He was pretty much the center of my children's world and I didn't mind one bit. He would call when we were schooling at the store and see if he could pick them up. He just happen to "need" to come to town and thought he'd get them if they were done with school work. I think I always said yes. Telling our son and daughter that he'd died was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we've ever done. I felt my son's heart break. I felt my daughter's world crumble and there was nothing I could do about it.

We are getting better, but there are moments when I just want to rage at the higher power. Why? What are we supposed to learn from this? What possible benefit could there be in taking the two most cherished grandparents from my children? I just don't get it.

So, on this, my mother's birthday, I find that I'm between anger, tears and an almost empty, hopeless feeling. There are two less people in the world that accepted me as is, did not try to change me, and loved me unconditionally.

I miss you. I miss your voice in my ear, your hand on my shoulder, your guidance for me and my children and most of all, I miss your love.

Take care - Me

Why pollen is not the cause of my watery eyes...

2010-04-03T10:56:00.003-06:00

This is not the happiest time of the year for me. It's getting better, but sometimes I forget why I'm not all excited and happy with Spring and Easter. Then I remember. And really, as a friend and I were talking about the other day, Life moves on - whether we want it to or not.

This was what was happening three years ago. Three years. Thirty-six months. 156.5 weeks. 1,095.7 days. Too many tears to count.

Take care - Me

Not so pissy, hopefully...

2010-03-03T16:16:00.002-06:00

I've been told my previous post came across as high & mighty. The easy thing to do would be to delete the post or to just ignore that. I'm doing neither. It really aggravates me when posts are deleted.

What I am going to do is clarify a bit.

By no means do I think that I am better than another. I love reading political ideas posted on my friends blog and look forward to them. Even when I don't agree 100%, I like hearing ideas and reading things that make me think. He definitely does that & I greatly appreciate his zest for bettering our country.

The whole teaching the kids by example, do unto others, thing came from my own home life earlier in the day when the kids were attempting to get on my very. last. nerve. They were constantly berating each other and mocking each other - something I do not tolerate at all. I did not mean to come across as everyone who reads this (thanks all 4 of you for reading) should take up this for their own lives.

The grief thing has been clarified off blog. I will no longer hide that grief if I feel the need to blog about it. So be prepared. I think I'm really surprised with myself for continuing to have strong grief. I know that the average grieving period is four years, but I really thought I'd have a better handle on it. Maybe if I'd taken the time two years ago to really grieve it would be different. I didn't have that option though with having to run a business before, during and after Mother died. I do have anger issues that I'm trying to let go. I'll get there, it's just slower than I thought it would be. I am getting better with grief, I've been able to smile about a memory the kids brought up. I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. That's progress.

I will not apologize for saying that the politicians are evil. I think there needs to be a MAJOR house cleaning in Washington. They have become complacent, greedy and out of touch with what the majority of Americans are going through. I love Marcus' idea of having them make the same that their voters make! I also think they should not have the special medical services they do. They should have to pay for insurance like everyone else. All special treatments/benefits should be removed.

OK, I need to get off here now. Hopefully this will help clarify things and not come across as pissy as yesterday. :)

Take care - Me

Blah, blah blah

2010-03-02T12:58:00.007-06:00

So, I'm still alive and how are you? :)

We went to NYC and let me just tell you - I will be going back. What a fabulous city! The architecture, diversity, subways, food, people... AMAZING! My daughter is even trying to talk me into a "girls" only weekend trip - she's 9 and realizes how great it was!

The day we got back I had to start the backdrop for our church children's choir Christmas special. It was only 8' x 24' and had to be done 4 days before originally scheduled! No worries, it got done and the show was great.

Christmas came and went, the kids got iPod Touches from Santa, Moosie had hers stolen from the store within a week of getting it. Papa & I went in together to buy her a replacement. The perpetrator is still out there and the law knows where they are, but no action has been taken yet as they are wanting to get them on other charges too.

New Years came and went, we've had snow and cold weather. Unusual for our area. We also survived indoor kart racing with both kids winning their classes. We start up the regular races later this month.

I think that about hits the "what we've been up to" blah. Now, here's some tidbits that may or may not interest you.

Recently, I stopped to help someone who was having car trouble. Back road, middle of nowhere, on my way to work and kids in the truck. Told kids to stay in there, locked the doors, dude was out of gas, a friend of mine stopped by and offered to get the gas for him. Went on to work, found out later broke down dude was arrested later that day and would be extradited to Florida on child porn charges and alleged child murder.

I really haven't felt like blogging. I don't want this to be a rant and rave reading area and that's what I feel like it was becoming. Yes, I still miss Mother. It's still hard and there are times when the grief takes my breath away. Do you really want to hear about that? I know of one friend that really doesn't. He really doesn't get the depth of grief when losing someone you love that much. So I don't post it.

Speaking of that friend, he likes to rant about the Republican party and it's evils. That's fine, his opinion-his blog. Personally, I think they're all evil. Republican, Democrat, Independent - doesn't matter. They are after their own personal wealth and advancement. Noone is perfect and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better to tear someone down that I know or don't know personally. I'm not into that. I have really been trying to do that whole treat others how you want to be treated. I cannot teach my children that if I'm not living it. So, I'm trying to live it.

Speaking of teaching - we are still homeschooling. I think we're doing pretty good considering we all still have our hair and are still alive. ;) Actually, lately, it's been going very well. I think we've settled into it and are enjoying the learning process together. I like having the kids around and seeing them learn new things and think of new ideas.

Here's some links I've found recently and think are interesting:

NYC Photos:

Take care - Me

Holy Cats!

2009-11-10T12:58:00.006-06:00

I cannot believe it's been so long! Since I've joined the Facebook world, I guess I've just forgotten about the blogland.

We've been pretty busy, but things are going pretty good.

Last month found us in South Carolina for the Maxxis National Championship kart races. Rokimus made the show both days as did Moosie. (Moosie was in the beginner class, so all those karters were allowed to race the feature.) Moosie did not race Sunday as she felt it was not worth it if they weren't going to put transponders on the karts. (Transponders keep track of speed and racing positions.) Rokimus had some rough luck on both days of racing, but he kept on driving! It amazes me that he has such drive and heart for this sport. As soon as his jacket, gloves and helmet go on, he is one focused person! We have two more races on the schedule for this year. This weekend will find us in Brandon, MS at our first attempt for indoor kart racing. Both kids will race, with Rokimus racing in at least two classes, probably three. The following weekend will be a local track make up race for points. After that, I'll be racing to get the house work done that doesn't seem to get done during racing season.

I'm also planning for a trip next month to NEW YORK CITY!! :) I'm very excited and very nervous. As one who does not care for people invading my personal space, I feel it will be a very "learning" experience. We'll be there for about a week and plan to take in the Sony Wonder Lab, the Rockettes at Radio City, Lady Liberty (including the crown), not to mention the art museums and of course, the window displays! We're staying at the Hotel Beacon for most of the trip, so I'm thinking of getting us tickets to a show at the Beacon Theatre for one of those nights. Actually, just now, linking the Theatre, I've found a Cirque du Soleil performance at the WaMu that looks great!

I did have my hand doc appointment last month. He's released me. They are thinking that it's becoming an arthritic situation. Right now, there's not enough pain for me to see a specialist. Last week, I did have to get one finger sliced open due to an infection around my nail that puffed up and looked horrendous! It felt even worse. I'm on antibiotics for a few more days and the finger is much better!

So, really, besides the homeschooling, racing, trip-planning, working and minor health issues, life is good here. :)

Take care - Me

Better, kinda...

2009-09-02T15:22:00.003-06:00

So, homeschooling is going better. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it, not stressing over every... single... thing. :) I'm not saying that every day is a glorious, education-filled dream of living, but it's getting better for the kids and me. I can say that I'm very thankful for Schoolhouse Rocks and chemistry experiments! They're even wanting to listen to the Schoolhouse Rocks while they go to sleep now.

Last week was pretty crazy. My life kind of crazy. We traveled to Missouri for a big race where Rokimus was somewhat a guest of honor. The Saturday before the trip, I had to go work a golf tournament that was named after Mother. On the way there, I hit a rabbit with the Honda and kept on going. Just a rabbit, right? I said my usual prayer to Francis and kept on. Speedy was home working on gokarts and trying to get the video ready for upload on our racing site. He broke the camcorder trying to get a tape in/out. Great.

Fast forward to Monday. Took the Honda to work and to transport two of the dogs and one cat to the vet for boarding/spading. The kids and I smelled something on the way home, but figured it was Charlie the basset mix who is notorious for getting car sick. I washed all protective coverings when I got home.

Tuesday - day before trip. Get in the Honda after schooling to run errands in town. Smell something horrible. Go next door to my in-laws to tell kids bye. Open hood. Proceed to almost toss my cookies in near by bushes. Remember hitting rabbit. Shit. Figure I probably hit it harder than I thought and there must be pieces left in there. Go in the house, very kindly, very beggingly ask Grandaddy Chief if he would power wash the engine compartment. We go up to the shop and open the hood again. Then we notice that the front bumper where the grill is located is broken. He takes off the top part of the bumper. There's the entire, dead, putrid rabbit laying there. That rabbit broke the bumper grill, bent the AC compressor into the radiator and now I'm on my way to the body shop for $2500 worth of damage. From a rabbit. The day before our trip. Thank goodness we were taking the BAT. (big ass truck) Finally go to nearest big town to get replacement camcorder for big race weekend. Get back home and work on laundry until late in the night. The last load, which held my good shorts, some of Speedy's work clothes and some children clothing also contained a red crayon. A crayon that proceeded to melt all over my dryer and the load of clothing.

Friday. We've made it to Missouri. Rokimus is practicing in his newly won kart. Only it's not the body he can race in. They don't know where that one is. Should be in that night. I'm shooting (photographing) the practices. Life is good. Then... nothing. My beloved Nikon D80 stopped. Completely. Err flashing at me. No pictures being saved by the memory card. Shutter still working. It's dead. Luckily, my sister is there with her Coolpix and lets me use it.

Racing - The body did get there. The pit crew we were told would be in charge were great until their kart started racing. The kid (probably early 20's) supposed to be helping us didn't even show for one of the races and then didn't get enough fuel in for the qualifying of the big race. Rokimus gave 100% and I am proud of the way he kept on going even though things weren't running quite as smooth as we'd hoped. A tire came off in one of the features, so he didn't even get to finish that race. Just stuff like that. The kind of race night where you're just ready for it to be over. Don't get me wrong, I'm still humbled and thankful that Rokimus was chosen for this and that we got to meet some really neat racing people that generously donated the kart, motor, clutch, graphics, tires and time. I just wish that we would have had a clearer picture about how the pits and racing would be handled. How we run the pitting and kart set up is a bit different than how they do it and that's an adjustment, especially when mistakes and overlooks keep happening and you feel like you have no control over it.

So, right now, things are better. I'm certainly glad to be back in the land of red dirt. I have the Honda back and it looks great and smells even better! We've got a new kart sitting in the shop ready to head to the track this weekend for another big race. Schooling is going smoother and I'm really enjoying being around the kids to watch them learn. The new camcorder has a few bugs and we're undecided about returning right now. My camera has to be sent in for repairs and that will take at least two weeks and who knows how much money. I'm trying to plead my case about getting a Nikon D300, but when I look at my old refrigerator, it's hard to justify spending that kind of money. The crayon load of laundry is soaking in the washer right now, so we'll see about that. Shout and Tide Coldwater can do amazing things for crayons. I should know, I've used it before!

Take care - Me

Breathe, just breathe...

2009-08-20T18:11:00.004-06:00

So, how are you?

Me? Oh, I'm crazy... I mean fine, really, I'm fine.

We started homeschooling this week. Monday, in fact. I still have all my hair. The kids are still alive. That's good - right? I have been researching homeschooling for about 3 years now. Do you know how good those books, articles, blogs and e-zines can make it sound? How easy? Check it out - you'll see.

There is a part of me that thinks I should be wearing a hippy-cool, hand-dyed, organic shirt over some fab linen slacks (full leg, of course) while chanting and holding hands with my children as we learn of far away places and their cultures. We'd fix fantastical meals based on the country we'd study, learn their music and art, their religions. Then, we'd fall into each others arms with a blissful, well-educated sigh.

This is not our reality. Our reality is that I just realized today that we have yet to cover any history or social studies. ANY. At all. None. We have covered the basics of Chemistry. They love it. We have started into multiplication while refreshing our addition and subtraction. We've worked on the tenses, prepositions, dual-meaning words and various other grammatical items. We've read. We've written. We've cried. We've cursed. Oh wait - that was just me. We've smoked way too many cigarettes. Again - just me.

Sitting here tonight in the silence, with all kinds of books, notebooks and learning materials surrounding me, I think I've come to a new way of thinking. Stop stressing. Stop worrying that he's meeting every Mississippi requirement. Isn't that why we're homeschooling? To learn at our paces? To learn in an interesting way? Rokimus is having a very difficult transition with his Mom becoming his teacher. I'm also having difficulties. In the back of my head are the voices of those around me who are not on board with this endeavor. The ones who doubt I can do this. Honestly, those voices may be imagined, but they are still there. Am I good enough? I feel like a horrible person when I get aggravated that he won't sit down and pay attention. That he won't think for himself - just think. Read something, think about it and implement it. Do they not teach that in the school system anymore? Is it just me? And then, when he's done complaining and whining and figures out that I'm not giving into his crap - he'll do it. ARGH. Why did it take him 20 minutes of all that just to figure out that he's still got to do it?!

So, luckily Moosie is loving this. It helps to know that. I think I may attempt to work them separately somewhat. I may even slack off on the formal educational side of things and work on their thinking/implementing skills. This mainly shows up in worksheets that I've given them. We'll still be working on the education, but I've got to find a different way to approach it with Rokimus.

Anywho. That's what's going on here. That and we're traveling to Missouri next week. You see, Rokimus has won a really large contest through a racing magazine. He's going to represent them in a really big race up there next week. Then after the race, we get to pack up that about $6000 kart and bring it home. So, cool, huh? :)

Take care - Me

Can we keep her?

2009-07-16T12:20:00.004-06:00

I am currently hosting a friend's daughter. I have had the privilege to have her in my house since Sunday afternoon. I think the plan (her parent's plan) is for her to return home on Saturday. Their plan and mine do not match up. I think I'm keeping her. I know I want to. I think that she's really my daughter, I just didn't give birth to her. I guess that would have to count for something though - the whole birth-giving thing. The thing is, even my kids want to keep her. I think we've rescued too many strays - they think if a creature stays around for more than a night or two, they get to decide if we keep it or not.

So, while I don't think my plan to keep her will work out, I do want her folks to understand that they have done a fantabulous job raising this young lady. I also want to let you know that we may not be available to answer any phones or emails until I'm ready to give her up. We have caller ID & know how to use it. :) I also know Mar's love for the roads that have to be taken to get to my house, so I feel somewhat safe keeping her at my house.

I may be able to bribe my children into releasing your child back into your custody if we can hand-deliver her and insure that she is better off at your house by having an in-home evaluation period of a few days.

I'm just say'n.

Take care - Me

Not so happy...

2009-07-07T06:54:00.004-06:00

Happy Birthday Mom.

I miss you, the kids miss you and generally everyone I've talked to lately misses your smile.

Sis and I are going to town to each lunch today. I told the kids I'd get some flowers to plant and a couple of balloons to release. Rokimus started crying last night. He misses you. If I remember correctly, it's the first time he's really cried about you being gone. There's so much that you're not here to see, to touch, to respond to. I know you like the term "stop to smell the flowers" but I'm going to have to take your post-surgery version of "flip the flowers" for today. I am happy that you were born, I am grateful that we had you for as long as we did and knew you until our adulthood and that my kids have memories of you. But really - this sucks.

Take care - Me

Life lately...

2009-06-29T17:47:00.012-06:00

I know it's been a while since my last real update on here, but really, when life gets as strange as it's been - it's just hard to actually put it all into words. And it really does seem surreal. And it doesn't seem to be letting off either.

Grab some coffee - iced if you're down south and temps are setting records.

About mid-May, my newest girl dog (named incredibly, creatively Girl) jumped the backyard fence via some left over brick stacks and got hit by our music minister in our driveway. She disappeared for a couple of days but upon arrival I knew something was drastically wrong. Her back leg would not work at all. It simply hung and was incredibly swollen. Several hundred dollars later, no less than 2 surgeries involving pins and screws, 5 weeks in the house, one remote, 2 CDs, 1 book, 2 notebooks, 1/2 bottle of GermX and 2 knitting projects later and she's doing just fine having been returned to the backyard. Where she wants to be. Where my hubby wants her to be. What kind is she you ask? What special breed is this worthy canine? She is a mutt, the best kind in my opinion. She wandered up last winter and we've kept her. I even had her trained. So, she is a very very expensive mutt that prefers to be in the backyard and doesn't want to come out of that yard. And all those trips back and forth to the vet? She shits. Profusely. In the Honda. Consistently. Even if no one feeds her. Even if we walk her for an hour before the trip. Profuse. Stinky. Shit.

Here's Girl on her recovery pillow.

Mother's stone on a beautiful hill in Wisconsin.

About the time Girl got done with the 2nd surgery, I received a call from my aunt telling me that Mother's stone was set. Crooked. Very unleveled. As in, she noticed it before she got out of her car. One cousin stated that Ray Charles could have set it straighter. So, I call the memorial company (18 hours away from here) and arrange for them to meet my aunt/cousins, etc. to have it straightened. She calls after that. Yes, it's beautiful. It's straight. Unfortunately, it's not over Mother. Huh? Mother is not in the plot she should be in. You see, my mother always had a terrible sense of direction and apparently, something carried through even after death. She was buried (last year, the first time) in one of my aunt's plots. Even though my sister and I went back and forth with the cemetery folks for 2 months or more before burying her urn. Now, they've put her in the wrong plot. I mean, what exactly do you call that? Reburial? Replanting? Transplanting? F!&$ up? That's what I call it. Especially when they have the audacity to give us 2 options: 1) We can come up and move her ourselves; 2) We can pay them AGAIN to move her. WTF?! Do they honestly think that I'm going to pay them one more cent, much less let them place a finger on her urn?! Incredible! And when speaking to my sister about this on the phone, they made a comment about what they had done when this had happened previously. So, needless to say, my sister and I flew up to Wisconsin to take care of Mother (we did) and to settle some land deed issues. I can actually say that after 37 years I was finally able to put my mother in her place! (I never would have done that while she was alive!) :)

Mother's stone, with Mother's urn in the midst of the reburial, replanting, putting in place, etc.

Also, I finally returned to the hand specialist for the surgery follow up. (delay much, me?) One spot was an osteochondroma and is now gone from all images. The other spot (on top of the knuckle) was removed, and is growing back. ARGH! This week I returned to try another round of cortisone in that area. My goal is to delay yet another surgery for as long as possible. If you're keeping count, it will be the third surgery.

So, while all that was going on, racing is still happening. We've learned that sometimes races can last onward of 12 hours. And sometimes they race in outdoor, concrete surrounded horse arenas.

The kids finished school in the top of their class. They also got to study counting money for 3.5 weeks and then moved on to measurements - on a ruler. So, after much consideration, prayer and research, I am going to be homeschooling them next year. I'm scared shitless.

That's about it. I'm sure I've forgotten somethings. As you can see, I've had a bit of bizarre going on, so it's hard to remember all of it. Oh yeah, I just remembered something. Today I got a letter informing me that there has been suspicious activity under a credit card. A credit card in Mother's name. Now, I remember calling all of her credit card companies last year and canceling them and shredding the cards. I remember having to repeat over and over less than two weeks after her death that she was dead to every single company. Sometimes more than once to more than one person. So, yes, I would say that it's suspicious activity! Now, I've got to get all of that straightened out. I really do wonder when all of that will be at peace. 'Cause really? I'm so done with strange shit that happens after someone dies. How much are we expected to deal with? Isn't it bad enough we had to watch our mother suffer and live with the knowledge she was going to die soon? Isn't it bad enough that she's gone way too early? When is it enough?

So, that's all that's going on here. Hope all is well with you. I'll try to do better about updating. :)

Take care - Me

10 years

2009-06-12T15:42:00.005-06:00

I love you.

Going through life with you by my side means that it's a road less rough, less scary and much more doable. We've got beautiful, smart children that know we love them. We've got a life that continues on even when it doesn't seem possible. It's the knowledge that we don't expect things from each other, rather we want to be and provide for one another so that we each may be more within ourselves. By doing that, we're more for each other - more supporting, more loving. We can laugh and that in itself is a great gift.

Ten years ago I would never have expected things that have happened since. They did and we're still going strong. In fact, I think we're much stronger now than then. Thank you for being there for me. For holding my hand, walking beside me, laughing with me and just being you.

I love you. Happy 10 years.

What a difference 2 years can make...

2009-04-10T09:53:00.003-06:00

Here's a post from a couple of years ago. Hard to believe that I've been posting, even if sporadically, for that long.

http://knitforknot.blogspot.com/2007/04/only-5-mintues.html

Since then, Mother has died. I'm no longer as involved in the church and I don't have to make the blood this year. I think they're using ketchup. Both kids are still riding horses & racing. I now own the tire store with my sister. Mostly though, I feel more disconnected than I did then. Personally. I don't want to be at the church and while I've questioned the organized religion route for quite some time, I now feel it's even less important than I used to. God, or whatever you chose to call him/her, does not solely exist in the walls of a building.

Mainly, I am missing Mother. It was two years ago that I knew she didn't feel good. We had spoken about her putting off her colonoscopy and a doctor's visit due to her mother visiting and some things at the store going on. I remember telling her to quit putting it off. I can't help but wonder if I could've said something different. Offered to drive her to the doctor, offered to work the store, etc. I think hindsight is a curse and a blessing. I realize my sister has her own feelings about this time, but this time of year is truly sad for me. I just want to crawl in a hole, wrap myself in an afghan made by her, and not come out into the world. I want to go back in time a few years back from then and insist she come to my house for Easter. I want to hold her hand one more time, share a cup of coffee, see her make her potato soup, hear her voice in my ear as her arm goes around my shoulders.

What I want and what I get are not mine to choose.

Take care - Me

Eye candy...

2009-04-08T08:01:00.005-06:00

So, I blew off some steam yesterday. I thought I'd give you a couple of photos for eye candy today. :)

Take care - Me

This one's for you "Anonymous"

2009-04-07T08:38:00.003-06:00

To Anonymous who wishes to cuss and rant about name stealing - get some meds. I moderate these comments, and other than this one directed to you, your insane, profane, irrational Xanax-needing voice will not be heard here. Go get help.

And to help you out, here's a reference about the name in question you freak! In the South, we substitute "Daddy" for "Father."

grand⋅fa⋅ther [gran-fah-ther, grand-] Show IPA
–noun
1. the father of one's father or mother.
2. a forefather.
3. the founder or originator of a family, species, type, etc.; the first of one's or its kind, or the one being longest in existence: the grandfather of all steam locomotives.
–verb (used with object)
4. to exempt (something or someone) from new legislation, restrictions, or requirements: The law grandfathered all banks already operating at the time of passage. He was grandfathered into the pension plan.

Origin:
1375–1425; late ME; see grand-, father

grandfather
1424, from grand + father. Replaced O.E. ealdefæder. The use of grand- in compounds, with the sense of "a generation older than, or younger than," is first attested c.1225, in Anglo-Fr. graund dame "grandmother." L. and Gk. had similar usages. Grandmother also first attested 1424, from M.Fr.; grandchild, grandson are later (16c.). The verb grandfather is from 1900. Grandfather clock is c.1880, from the popular song; they were previously known as tall case clocks or eight-day clocks.

Take care - Me

A Racing We Will Go...

2009-04-05T13:20:00.004-06:00

Rokimus is in the red kart approaching (rapidly) the black kart that had just spun out. I now need to edit the audio on the camcorder!

Moosie is in the yellow kart approaching her opponent (school friend) about to make her first racing pass. She made it successfully without spinning the other kart or herself out. I foresee many more passes in her racing career!

It's officially race season around here! Saturday night found us at the local track with both kids racing. This is Moosie's first time racing, though you'd never know it to watch her. She finished first in the heat and feature! Girl Power!! :) (Momma might be proud)

Rokimus was up against 8 other racers, aged 8-12. We're still having issues with his new set up and we couldn't get his kart to turn the RPM it needed to. He started 3rd in the heat, finishing 2nd. This position determines where you start in the feature. So, he started 2nd in the feature and finished 2nd after not being quite able to pass the 1st place racer. As this is the first race he's not won since he first started racing, I'd say he's doing just fine! :) Of course, he's already planning on how to do better next weekend at the State Series race.

For those of you who wish and are allowed - I've posted pics on the other site.

Take care - Me

4,000...

2009-03-30T18:35:00.003-06:00

Holy cats, 4,000 poor souls have taken the time to view my small corner of the blogosphere. In reality, it's probably the same 4 friends checking to see if I've finally updated. For you and any others that have listened to my random thought process, my grief, my rants and my crazy take on things in general - I thank you humbly from the depths of my heart.

Take care - Me

Update, but not here

2009-03-28T09:19:00.003-06:00

For those of you with access, I've uploaded pictures to the private site. As it's not been updated since January, I figure you've given up on me ever updating. :)

For those of you who have not been invited, let me know & if I think you're not some insane, child-molesting stalker type, then I might give you access.

http://knitforknotgivesthanks.blogspot.com/

Take care - Me

Where do these science genes come from?!

2009-03-27T08:37:00.002-06:00

Rokimus, who placed first locally, won 2nd place in Div. 1, category microbiology.

Moosie, who placed second locally, won 1st place in Div. 1, category microbiology. She then went on to take Best of Fair for Div.1.

Division 1 consisted of first - third grades. Here is a brief write up about the event. I haven't been able to find the results anywhere, and while our school did not do as well as last year, we took both Best of Fair awards and I had a lady comment that we'd been the ones to "rack up." Not too shabby, but still not enough for me to stop researching home schooling.

Take care - Me

Science at the Hump...

2009-03-26T08:57:00.002-06:00

We're at Mississippi State today for Regional Science Fair competions. Both children are competing against each other. The good news is that they are sitting next to one another. I'll try to keep you posted as the day progresses.

Take care - Me

Warning... Warning...

2009-03-16T13:35:00.003-06:00

This is to the Fairhope constituents:

In just under 36 hours I will be invading your space. As you well know, I have not been there for one year. That's right, 8,784 hours or 366 days or 12 months - however you choose to look at it. I thought I should give proper notice as you may not remember what my vehicle or my person looks like in your driveway. I do not want you sending the cat out to attack me.

Let it be known, you have been warned in advance of my upcoming arrival.

Thank you - Me.

And we're off...

2009-03-07T11:56:00.004-06:00

To the gokart track. It's officially spring in the racing world. This will be Moosie's first time on the track in her own cart & Rokimus will be in his brand new cart.

The weather is beautiful and the track should be fast. God help me. :)

Oh yeah - Speedy is out of the picture due to server updates/swaps at the hospital. It's up to me and Grandaddy Chief to get the set ups and all right. Wish us luck! And please send prayers of serenity to Speedy and prayers of calmness to those who are having to work with him. :)

Take care - Me

We have SNOW!!

2009-03-01T07:22:00.003-06:00

Pictures to follow later - I just wanted to let ya'll know that we have falling white stuff outside. The dogs are mystified and poor Moosie got her gloves on backwards as she hasn't had that much experience putting them on. :)

Gotta go, I know it won't last long!

Take care - Me

... Walkin' on Broken Glaaasss....

2009-02-09T18:51:00.002-06:00

So, obviously today is Monday. I worked today.

My thumb is doing pretty good after surgery. I'm having issues with the temperature of that hand that I'm hoping to call the doc about tomorrow. I'm including some pics of the stitches for my medically-minded friends. :) I'm also including pictures of what the kids have been up to. Also, you will see why I didn't get a chance to call the doc today about my hand.

Take care - Me

Thanks Camille!! They're beautiful & I can't wait to see you this weekend!

Our "new" shower door - found like this well after we'd gotten home this evening. It had to have happened sometime during the day as I've been in the house this evening.

Too busy to think of a title...

2009-02-03T20:12:00.006-06:00

So, hang on, here it goes - the update of life.

Go Karts are ready to ride. I'll try to post pics of both as soon as I have a moment to breathe, maybe in a few years.

Kids did great at science fair. They're in the same category this year - microbiology. Moosie took 2nd & Rokimus took 1st. We'll be heading to State in a few weeks.

Hubby is doing great as he's still hanging on for the ride. :)

The store is down one employee (not owner yet) and I think we'll try to keep it that way for the next couple of months.

I'm having another surgery tomorrow in Big City with the hand doc I saw a couple of weeks ago. This means that I've been running around doing, as Marcus calls it, the flight of the bumblebee. All the things I know I will have trouble with for the next few weeks I have tried to get accomplished in the past week or so, and especially today. Floors, bathrooms, sheets, laundry, etc. Speedy & I will leave in the morning in time to drop the kids at school & then head over. He figures we'll be back tomorrow evening sometime. They will be sending whatever they get from the two spots being removed to pathology & I'll let you know when I get those results.

Hope everyone is doing well! And Shannon, yes, I saw Bruce's lovely slide into the camera and noticed that the cameras did not show him for the next few moments. LOL

Take care - Me

Oh yeah in the midst of all of this, it will be one year next week since Mother passed on. That is it's own blog entry within and of itself.

Manna from Mobile...

2009-01-29T09:51:00.002-06:00

Strange week at the tire store. The other day, before the two New Yorker's came in, we had a lovely couple from Mobile, AL getting a flat repair. Of course, I had to talk to them about Naman's and Carpe Diem. We had a great visit and they were soon on their way.

This morning, I am typing this with a slice of heaven, or tiramisu, in front of me. That couple brought me a piece after visiting Naman's yesterday. They wanted me to be able to eat it fresh, this morning with my coffee. Now, that is the way to start my Thursday morning! And that is what makes dealing with the public worth it.

Take care - Me

Strange days...

2009-01-26T13:02:00.006-06:00

So, it's not often that I feel the need to post something that's happened at the tire store. However, this is something that some of you may find interesting.

Two guys had a blowout last night and were told to come to us this morning for a replacement. (They needed four tires of course. People just don't rotate & air them like they should.)

Anywho, come to find out, they're from New York, just outside the city. Close, very close, to where my cousin Cathy lives. They also work for Apple!! I do believe that they were surprised to see me pull out my iPhone when it rang, and further surprised to find out I do graphics on my MacBook Pro or my iMac and am still running files off my G3. They're a band called Head Trip Conception and had been to New Orleans playing a gig. I've linked to their name, or you can google them.

They've left me a demo CD but I haven't had a chance to listen yet. The description sounds interesting. They were very nice young men and I hope to listen to it shortly.

Take care - Me

From computer to kart...

2009-01-18T20:26:00.008-06:00

Racing season is almost upon us. Of our family of four, three will be racing. One is dedicated prayer, gray hair grower and photo taker. I'll let you decide who's who.

Here's the computer image I did using a photo of the kart in Illustrator before we started cutting the vinyl.

Here's the actual finished kart.

So, now it's off to work on Moosie's kart...

Oh yeah, I'll be going back to the hand specialist in Jackson Thursday to discuss another surgery. I'll keep you posted - hopefully better than I have been. :)

Take care - Me

My iphone says Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T19:17:00.002-06:00

Hope you've had a good one!

Take care - me

Surprise cookies...

2008-12-23T20:35:00.005-06:00

Now, you may be thinking that the title should have a comma in between the surprise and cookies. Yes, I know that it's been over a month since my last post. Right now, as in right this moment, I'm doing pretty good. During this first Christmas without Mother, that tends to change moment by moment.

Here's the recipe and photos of a cookie Mother used to make for Christmas. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

Take care - Me

Today

2008-11-11T10:49:00.006-06:00

Today I'm ripping out carpet. Today, I'm trying not to think about how much I miss my mother. Today, I'm trying to think of something else other than this will be the first time in 37 years that I've not seen or spoken to the woman that gave me life. I'm trying to not be angry that last year I knew it was the last birthday I would spend with her and I had to share her with someone I don't care for much. Or how she was so tired from entertaining that person and working at the store that she couldn't visit with me later in the day. Today, I'm trying not to think about then or now. And today, I'm trying not to notice the rivers of tears falling on old carpet.

Take care - Me

Let's hit it with a stick...

2008-10-22T17:26:00.003-06:00

OR NOT!

Today the kids went walking with Granny. Apparently they walked up on a Timber rattler. Now, I know that we live in Mississippi and I've grown up understanding that they are around, but when it's my children that walk up on one, it's a whole different story. Especially when my MIL aka Granny tells the kids "Let's hit it with a stick." Luckily, or divinely as I think, they have sense enough to step back from it and run away. They ran to get Grandaddy and his gun while Granny stayed and poked it enough to coil. WTF?!? She wanted my children to attempt that with her? (btw - it had 10 rattles.)

Thank you Lord that I have gone over with them what to do if they ever run across a poisonous snake. Thank you Lord that they actually listened to me and could recall it when it did happen.

I know that there are those of you out there that don't want the wildlife killed. For the most part, I'm fine with that. For poisonous snakes that we know are there and are on our land where my children roam, they will be killed if at all possible. End of story.

By the way, yesterday was the kids TAG class field-trip. We toured the state art museum and the museum of natural science. There were about 64 children and 15 adults. I am so glad that I've taken the kids to museums before and talked to them about art. So many of these gifted children had absolutely no respect for art. I could really get on my soapbox about that now, but I'm going to save it for another post. While at the MNS, they got to experience a wetland up close and personal and very muddy. I'll try to post pics on the other site within the next day or two. Overall, the kids enjoyed it. I'm still taking headache pills from being with that many disrespectful, hyperactive young people for 12 hours.

Take care - Me

Hands and jobs...

2008-10-01T15:07:00.004-06:00

No, not hand jobs, hands AND jobs...

I went to the specialist today. He comes highly recommended and is actually covered by my insurance - double bonus! In his words, it's just bad luck that they all occurred at the same time. They are not connected. The one on the back of my hand is fairly common, even for my age. The one where the previous surgery occurred is less common, but not a bone spur. It's a calcified mass in my tendon. It's not very harmful at this point and the consensus is that it should be left alone for now. The spot on the back of my thumb is very unusual and is a bone spur, or osteophyte. Since I'm currently on 2400mg of ibuprofen/24 hours and still having some pain, it's felt that cortisone shots would not benefit me much. So, the current plan is for me to stick it out as long as I can and then we'll have to go in again and shave this spot off.

Since I was in a city that actually has a real yarn store, I went by there. It was open today and what beautiful yarns! Mother and I had stopped by there last year before it was open. Mother was able to sweet talk the owner into letting us drool over the stock she had gotten in even though we couldn't purchase anything. The owner remembered me and asked about Mother. I lost it. Knowing that Mother would love that store - the yarns, books, needles and atmosphere, I just missed her deep in my soul. I wanted her to be there to share that with. I wanted her input on the textures and colors of kettle dyed skeins and rolls of silken alpaca. I needed her there physically. The owner was great, she hugged me and walked around with my while handing me tissues. She had lost her mother and father within four months of each other. She knew. The other patrons helped too, patting me, mentioning this stitch or that, letting me know that I was not alone in that place. I bought a significant amount of yarn along with a new book. I was able to walk out without tearing, but once I got to the car, I lost it again. And lost it almost the entire way home. Then, I got it together again.

Amazingly, right after I got it together today I received an call from a screen printing business that is in need of a graphic artist. The pay isn't all that great, but it would be fun to be making some money doing something creative. Also, the owner seems to be a very level-headed, nice person and she comes highly recommended from the artist who has been working for her. I'm supposed to call her back tomorrow.

The kids are doing great - they love TAG and if it weren't for that day, I'd be having a lot of trouble keeping them interested in school. Rokimus had the last points race of the season this past Saturday. He got moved up to a more advanced class for that race as he had won every race this season in the other class. I was somewhat concerned as this puts him racing against kids that are around 3-4 years older. Silly me. He timed the fastest, started the heat race on pole and was able to hold off the very aggressive 2nd place feature driver. Even after that kid spun him out and ended up hurting not only his own kart, but another one as well. So, Rokimus was able to win every race this season and had only one race that he didn't start on the pole due to mechanical issues. In that one, he started the feature last, passed 6 carts and finished first. Proud mama? Yeah, I am. :)

Speedy is also doing good. He's planning on racing this Saturday, so he's been busy getting his car ready. Again, I'm very glad he races instead of hunting. At least the family can be involved in racing. I have no desire to shoot a bambi.

Take care - Me

Hey Sis...

2008-09-29T18:37:00.006-06:00

Happy Birthday!! :) I love you.

Also, here's the logo I'm working on for next year's Relay. Let me know what you think.

For everyone else - she has dial up & can look this one up quicker than trying to download an attachment. Sorry for the nonblog, I'll try to entertain you in the near future.

Thanks!

Take care - Me

Help, please...

2008-09-11T18:33:00.004-06:00

OK. So I maybe am not the best at asking for help. Especially from what may be complete strangers, but most likely are folks that have known me for 20 years. (Scary thought, huh?!)

** warning - long post! grab coffee, take a pee break and prepare to be bored! **

If you tuned in a few months ago, you read this, this, or this. I had an osteophyte (bone spur) at the MCP Joint on my left thumb. In other words, a somewhat large, hard bump on my lower thumb joint that was causing quite a bit of pain not only in my hand, but up my arm as well. The decision was made that they would go in and shave off the protrusion. They did. They also found a pocket of "cream cheese looking" stuff that was sitting on a nerve bundle/artery. They removed that successfully and the path showed nothing remarkable. I've healed quite nicely from that surgery.

Unfortunately, in under two months, not only has that one started returning, I now have two additional spurs. One is on the back side of that same thumb, and the other is on the middle lower on the same hand, just to the right of the forefinger metacarpal, above the carpal. (image for those who need it - like me.) So, I'm now sitting here with three bone spurs. The original one was thought to have been caused by possible trauma. I noticed it shortly after Mother's death and I really don't remember that time very well. I since seen an orthopedic surgeon because I have the desire to know why. The original surgeon (a plastic surgeon with hand cert) wanted to just go ahead back into it and remove all three. I wanted more information. I want to know that when we go back in there I won't be facing this surgery again in another 2-3 months.

The new guy (ortho) has tested me for gout, osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. He ordered an MRI. At my last appointment, I ended up feeling very sorry for him as he stood there and told me several times that he does not know what's causing this. He has not ever seen this or heard of this occurring in this short amount of time. We do feel very confident that it's not cancer. That it's not life or limb threatening. That is very reassuring.

So, it's come down to whether or not I continue on to see an actual hand specialist. Do I go ahead and spend the time and money now, before the pain is worse and more consistent, or do I wait until the pain is at a level that is equivalent to when the first surgery was scheduled? What are the chances that they will just dissolve away? Grow? More show?

I don't want to leave you with the impression that there are gigantic growths on my hand. They aren't. They are not to the size in the picture on the previous blog post. Of course, they've not had the 4 months to grow to that size yet either. And maybe they won't. They are large enough that if I move my hand in certain ways, they are visible. The thumb ones don't really need much movement, if any, to be visible.

I'm sorry to keep going on and on about this, but I'd love some input from unbiased people. From people that perhaps haven't heard my story about it and are coming at this from a fresh start. Because honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm paranoid and just need to leave it alone. Other times, I feel like rushing to the nearest surgeon just to get these things off my body.

Thanks for your time.

Take care - Me

Blog fodder...

2008-09-04T18:42:00.002-06:00

Here are just some random photos that I've taken the past couple of months. Nothing too exciting, however, it is a new post in under three weeks. :)

Enjoy.

Take care - Me

Nothing really...

2008-09-02T12:28:00.003-06:00

I just decided to let ya'll know that I've updated a post on the photo blog. As it's been over two months, I figure folks probably quit looking at it. :) Anywho... we're still working on the house, Gustav was pretty much a nonevent for our area and we're finally getting the satellite hooked back up today. Now, I just need to move a couple side tables in to set the TVs & receivers on.

Take care - Me

Palpable areas, dorsums, and ganglion cyst - oh my...

2008-08-26T13:05:00.003-06:00

So, I met with the orthopedic dude today to go over the recent MRI. Basically I found out that it's not cancer and he has absolutely no freakin' clue as to what's causing these bone growths. They took some more blood to run tests for arthritis. He really doesn't feel it's that, but we might as well check for it. I'm on a predisone/ibuprofen regimen for the next bit, with a follow up appointment in one month. That is, as long as there aren't too many more new growths that show up before now and then. If, in a month, they are still there/bigger, then we'll move on to a hand specialist. I feel he's probably already looking up information about docs that might have some clue as to why a 37 year old would be suddenly sprouting new bone growth.

BTW - the ganlgion cyst that was found is not even in one of the areas bothering that hand. I had no clue anything was in that area.

Take care - Me

Follow up...

2008-08-20T07:44:00.003-06:00

This is Speedy's email sent yesterday after being informed of my email.

Mr Principal,

The incident last year occurred when I went to the school for one the year end functions. I believe it was awards day. I was walking past the cafeteria and one of the workers ran outside and called me inside to pay the past due bill. I was 99% sure that the account was not past due so I asked what the charges were for. She replied that they were for the previous Friday when my children were not even in school. I questioned this so she went to the back to check. When she returned she said that the charges must have been for a previous day but was unable to produce any sort of documentation supporting the alleged past due balance. To avoid any more confusion I just paid the charges as I believe they were less than $5.00

I do not dispute the fact that we owe money now. I sent a check to cover the first and second week of school but I let the third week slip up on me. The point is that the cafeteria staff are rude and should not be hounding children for money.

Please have someone send me a statement for Rokimus and Moosie and I will gladly pay the bill. I will try to make every effort to send a lunch with my children from now on so that they do not have to bother the cafeteria staff.

Thanks,
Speedy

This is Mr. Principal's response to Speedy's email. I have not yet received a reply. We'll see what happens when I pick the kids up from school today.

Mr. Speedy,
I apologize for this occurrence. Believe it or not, I have no
jurisdiction over the cafeteria but I have forwarded this to the Central Office. Thank you for letting me know and I will do what I can to help with this situation. We at the Elementary office and staff absolutely adore your children. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience.

Principal

And, finally, Speedy's response to this one.

Mr. Principal,

Thanks for the reply. I knew you weren't over the cafeteria but I felt
the need to vent to someone.

The generalization that the cafeteria staff are rude is not fair. Both
of my children said that Ms Moneyhog was not rude when she kept Rokimus' money. Ms Moneyhog and Ms Server are always nice and I'm sure most of the other staff are as well. I'm sure that Ms Moneyhog was just following instructions but it doesn't seem fair that they kept his ice cream money to apply to his lunch balance. To my knowledge they don't let them charge ice cream or other treats to their lunch accounts. Last year we would sometimes send extra money for the special events so that they could share with other kids who's parents may not have had extra money
to send. If the extra .50 cents had been used to buy ice cream for a child that couldn't afford any that would be different.

Please let the Central Office know that Ms Moneyhog was not rude.... It's the policy that may need to be reviewed.

We are very happy to have you at this Elementary. We think you are doing a great job and your office staff is wonderful! We are also pleased with the teachers. We love Ms 2nd Grade already and Ms Wonderful 1st Grade .... What can I say she is absolutely wonderful. Going above and beyond doesn't even begin to describe the job that she does. Ms Stephanie, Ms Joy, Ms TAG all great... they love kids and their jobs and it shows.

Thanks again for all that you do,

Speedy

I am not feeling nearly as charitable as Speedy about this situation. While I do agree with his assessment of the principal, office staff, and 2 teachers listed, I wonder if that is actually policy for the cafeteria staff. I somehow doubt it. Overall, I feel that the public educational system policies are greatly lacking in many areas. I can tell you as someone who handles the accounts in a business, if I were to approach a child about their parent's overdue account, I & the business would get sued in a heartbeat. I certainly would not want my business practices to be so unethical as that, and this system has my children 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Do I really want that type of behavior influencing my children?

Take care - Me

Random information...

2008-08-19T20:27:00.006-06:00

Random, not necessarily earth-shattering. :)

So, the house is still not done. In a previous post I jokingly mentioned a Christmas open house. I shouldn't have joked. I'm concerned we'll not have it done in 4 months. We are living here again, though my beloved Mac is still inaccessible to me. The new part is pretty much complete, just lacking our clothing (still in the old bedroom), vanity mirror, closet rods, bathroom storage, some baseboards/quarter round, etc.

Of course, in recent times, my week time work on the house has been hindered with doctor appointments. You see, that pesky, nerve-damaging bone spur has grown back, in less than four weeks. And it's joined by a couple of new ones. So, that's two on the thumb, one on the back of the same hand closer to the wrist. I had the MRI today & yes I have a copy of the disc. I have to say that I'm much better at reading the scans of a pancreas, liver & duodenum than I am a left hand. So, I wait until next Tuesday when I see the orthopedic dude.

The kids are doing well. They are in the TAG program this year & that's their favorite day of the school week. They are currently lucky to be attending the public school system at all after today's experience in the cafeteria. In true friend of Marcus style, I give you my first letter to the principal this year.

Dear Mr. Principal,

I am writing to let you know what has gone on in the cafeteria today concerning our son, Rokimus. Rokimus informed me today that Ms. Rudeness kept his change of $.50 from buying the ice cream bar due to his owing on his lunch money account. I find this to be ridiculous on a couple of counts. First, that she would tell our children that they are overdue on their lunch money without contacting the parents first. Is the school now holding seven-year olds responsible for paying for their lunches? Second, that she would keep $.50 of change due back to my son from buying ice-cream. My son works hard for his ice cream money and should have received that change back. I cannot believe that this person would talk to my children in front of their classmates about financial issues. We have always paid the lunch accounts as soon as we get a notice that they are due. We do not try to shirk our responsibilities towards our children by not paying for their lunches.

This had actually occurred toward the end of last year and I told Speedy to let it slide. That surely they were just worried about end of year expenses. I see that is not the case, and I am very disappointed and upset that this would happen again. How dare she take this matter up with seven year olds? The responsible and sensible thing to do would to contact the people who actually fund the accounts – the parents.

I have thought about home schooling the children, and this is just one more thing that is leading me to think that may be the direction I need to go in.

Sincerely,
KnitforKnot

So, life's been a bit crazy. And through all of this, I still have the urge to pick up the phone and tell Mother about it. I understand that she's probably here, knocking me upside the head with a mallet trying to tell me advice, but I'm just not getting it. And I miss that. I miss telling her "Mother, just drop it. Put it in a bubble & blow it away."

Take care - Me

Six Months...

2008-08-12T16:51:00.001-06:00

And it still hurts.

Take care - Me

Words of advice...

2008-08-08T10:51:00.003-06:00

I cannot believe that it's been 3 weeks since my last post. Furthermore, I cannot believe that it's been over 5 weeks since I've lived in my house or slept in my bed. For those of you out there considering a possible remodel/addition, let me give you a wee bit of advice. Don't. Did you catch that? I'll repeat - DO NOT DO THAT! Unless you have unlimited funds, a trip-around-the-world vacation planned for an extended time while the renovations are done and a police/security team to guard while you're away, then get the idea out of your head. Why, oh why did I think our house should have two bathrooms and three bedrooms? We should have just added an outhouse and a lean-to with an airmattress.

Needless to say, at this point, I'm not sure when the house will be complete. We are still living in a camper. We may be able to move into the new part this next week. Hopefully. Very hopefully. That will only leave the kitchen, living room, playroom, office, hallway and two bedrooms to remain fixing. Not too bad. I'm thinking we may be able to have a Christmas open house. Maybe.

Take care - Me

Not really home...

2008-07-12T06:32:00.004-06:00

We are back. We got back Thursday night. We got back to my house covered in drywall dust, all the furniture covered with sheets (my modals), no kitchen counters or stove and the central unit still not complete. The house is uninhabitibal. We are now living in a camper up at the shop. Thank goodness my inlaws have one and will allow us to live in it for what looks like a couple/few weeks. I cannot get to my computer to post the pictures, so those "vacation" pictures will have to wait.

Take care - Me

Wisconsin Trip 2008, ver1

2008-06-29T21:07:00.003-06:00

Well, we've made it 11 hours north to Lincoln, IL. We'll travel another 7 hours tomorrow. So far so good. :) Of course, we've not dealt with any family yet. Also, I'm updating now, as most likely tomorrow we will not have any cell phone service, much less high-speed internet access. Here's a sample of a few pics taken today on the way up. Unfortunately, I'm having to use a pc and it's not mac user friendly!

Take care - Me

List No. 527...

2008-06-25T20:30:00.002-06:00

On and on.

Pack my clothes and kids' clothes, get together items for the Wisconsin memorial, get money market check book to pay for graveside services and stone, deal with house construction issues, laundry, laundry, laundry, get stuff together for employee cookout, write up one employee's last check, go through applications to replace before mentioned employee, get stuff ready for the next two weeks at the store while I'm gone, pack, laundry, get Charlie's meds, get my meds, finish volcano offering plates for vacation bible school, and on and on... Oh yeah - don't forget Mother!! (in the urn)

Take care - Me

Look Ma, No Stitches...

2008-06-18T20:34:00.003-06:00

Yes, I did attempt to pass out. I do that. I'm a fainter. It's sad really, I can watch my son and husband drive extremely fast. I watched my Mother with tubes draining fluids, getting shots, being sick. I can clean my children's wounds that are gushing blood and not get even queasy. But let my dog get shot/run over, my husband's wisdom teeth taken out or apparently my stitches taken out and I'm out. Cold. I did have the foresight to warn the doc that I'm a fainter and then to inform him mid-de-suturing that I was fine, I was moments from passing out but that was OK, just get the rest of them while I was passed out. He didn't feel as strongly about letting me pass out, so he raised my knees, lowered my head, place cool, wet cloth on my head and then finished taking them out. I felt every single one of them. Most did not feel good.

Take care - Me

Thumbs and Books...

2008-06-17T15:46:00.005-06:00

My thumb: Still attached, one path report back, waiting on others. Hopefully, I will get the stitches out tomorrow.

I realize that this sounds very ho-hum, but THIS is now out, in my possession and I will be inaccessible for the next 4-5 hours as I read it. In completion. The children will go unfed, unbathed and unless there is blood involved, generally unattended.

Take care - Me

note: 8:21 pm - It took me a bit longer than expected. While there was no blood, there were interruptions that could not be delayed. Now I'm off to re-read the other 13+2 books of the series, then this one again. Life is great!!

Life threatening creature...

2008-06-13T08:15:00.004-06:00

Opossum

Or, as I like to call it - life threatening creature.

So, I was on the phone with Jennie the other night when I spotted LTC in my yard. I mentioned it to her, then watched it drift across the bottom of the yard. I even joked to Jennie about the dog, Fred, laying there and not seeing it. We continued our conversation until I happened to notice the LTC had started drifting in my direction. In a not-so-drifting manner. In fact, it did look to be picking up speed. As it came toward me. I think I joked about being chased by the thing. Then. OH SHIT. It's coming right at me! The dog, by the way, is still laying in the driveway and not noticing my distress.

I hurriedly make my way around the jacuzzi and tub enclosure sitting in my carport to notice that the LTC is coming right on in with me! Again, OH SHIT. The cat is now following the LTC who seems to be following me. I am now laughing, cussing, tripping, trying not to drop my phone and pee on myself as I make my way into the house to tell Speedy to come here! Jennie, of course, is getting the entire play by play as all of this is going on, because honestly, this has got to be better than anything on TV.

The dog did manage to come check it out after I ran into the house, but after getting hissed at, promptly took off for under the Honda. The cat took off to eat the dog food. Johnny came out and was able to chase it a couple of feet away. At which point the thought - "Blog Fodder!!" - went through my head. I rushed inside (Yes, Jennie is still on the phone with me) got my camera and captured the horrible beast on "film."

I have proof. I also will probably feel less guilty the next time I hit one on the road.

Please note, the pictures are not the best, but as I still have stitches in my thumb, I was commentating to Jennie and attempting to operate the camera, I think they'll do.

Take care and watch out for raging opossum - Me

9 Years...

2008-06-12T04:58:00.002-06:00

I love you.

I love you for putting up with my craziness - good and bad. I love you for being there for me this past year in ways I never could have hoped for. You hold my hand, wipe my tears and make me smile, usually all within moments of each other and I love you for that. I love that you back me up when times get tough. I love that you are the other half that makes up our children and that they are more incredible for that.

I love that I am looking forward to many more shared years with you.

Happy 9 years.

I love you Speedy.

From Yesterday to Today...

2008-06-06T19:31:00.005-06:00

** Warning - the following photos are mainly for my medically-minded friends.

Yesterday:

Today:

The bone growth/pocket of "strange" white mass was sitting on a nerve bundle/artery. They were successful in removing it, hopefully the damaged nerve will regenerate in the near future. Pathology/labs will be known when I go for my return visit this next week.

Typing with one hand sucks.

Take care - Me

Why wait?

2008-06-02T19:16:00.003-06:00

Why is it we wait until too late to realize the important things? You know,those things we think but never say. Why is it that it takes death knocking on the door for us to say the important things? I'm talking about the things we think but don't vocalize.

Here's some examples:

My sister - Mother would tell me how smart Sister is. She would go on and on about how gifted Sister is with kids. Especially the more troubled pre-teens. What a gift she would say. She would also tell me about how great a salesperson she is. And how so very proud she was of Sister. They may not see eye to eye on most things, but there was never any doubt in my mind of her love for Sister. Yet, it took Mother's diagnoises of cancer for them to come back together.

Aunt #1 - Aunt1 passed away a few years ago after fighting cancer. I don't know if Mother ever got to tell her how much Mother admired her. The ability she had to raise such a large family of her own and those she fostered. The smoothness with which she could glide over the dance floor. The ability to really listen. Mother admired all of that.

Aunt#2 - Mother really thought this sister of hers was very smart. Her ability with numbers was amazing to Mother. She admired her business sense and her dedication to her family.

Aunt#3 - This sister was closest to Mother in age and probably the one that Mother admired most. She has a heart bigger than the world and Mother also felt she is such a shrewd, smart business person. Mother always felt Aunt3 was beautiful - inside and out.

Aunt#4 - Mother's youngest sister. There's several years between them, but Mother was proud of her. Proud of her faith, proud of her wonderful creativity. Her ambition and zest for life Mother was also proud of.

Her Mother - Mother always went on about how strong her Mother was. How she could decorate a house so cute on very little money. How brave she was.

I don't know if Mother ever conveyed to these people how much she thought of them, or the things she admired about them. Probably, if she did, she waited until this past year to do it. After all, isn't that what we did to her? Wait to tell her the things we thought we great about her? Did she realize that what I thought was great about her is what she saw in her own family? That she had those same traits, yet couldn't see them in herself?

If you're wondering what she thought about me, she told me. She told me a few years ago at the same time I told her. We were going through a rough family time and I really wasn't certain we would be talking to each other much in the future, if at all. I wanted her to know what I saw in her - the good. The beauty, the business smarts, the giving heart, the strength, the bravery, the creativity and the whole goodness of her. Yes, I knew about the bad - we both did. There's no need in this life to bring up the bad. If it's happened, then it's the past. Period. Where you go from there is choice.

So, what did Mom see in me? Everything good I saw in her, multiplied times ten. Everything that I have trouble seeing in myself.

Stop seeing the bad, look for the good. Even if you have to look hard, look. Then tell them them the good. Today. Now. Don't wait for the chance to be taken away from you. They need to hear it and you need to say it.

Take care - Me

I've been a bad, bad girl...

2008-05-24T09:45:00.002-06:00

Shhhh... please don't tell anyone! I've gone and made this and haven't told anyone in the families that I've started making it again. You see, I normally make enough for 3 households - today, I just made enough for mine. I'm certain they're clearing a special spot in hell for me.

I blame it all on Marcus. It's all his fault for sending me the recipe a couple of years ago. Now, most of central Mississippi wants me to make it for them. Shame on you Marcus.

Take care - Me

A year ago...

2008-05-14T08:52:00.002-06:00

http://knitforknot.blogspot.com/2007/05/mothers.html

Bad day gone good...

2008-04-24T18:06:00.002-06:00

Early in the day I had a customer come in. He went on and on about how I am not my mother. I do not have her beautiful smile. I do not have her great personality. I don't even look like her, unlike my sister. He really did go on and on about how much NOT like her I am and about how he hoped that I would be able to keep the store going.

Needless to say, this was a less than stellar start to my day. Add in PMS, deadlines and decisions being made, and my day, I thought, was just shot to shit.

Then, when going to pick up the kids, I have teachers I don't know coming up to me and telling me to check Moosie's bookbag. - Honestly, I never know what I'll find.

My day got much better. Much more "leaky" as I call it, but much better.

Take care - Me

Welcome to my head...

2008-04-24T15:38:00.004-06:00

Things that go through my head as I drive to and from work/school/home each day...

Oh shit, what would I do if a bird flew in through the windows?

I really need to leave a bit sooner as to not speed quite so fast... Are there ever any troopers/law enforcers on this road anyway?

We really need to pack Mom's house up.

I wonder if an intruder were to attempt intruding, would I just shoot to maim, or kill?

Wonder what kind of flower that is?

I really need to remember to charge my ipod.

Am I really going 70 in a 43 year old car?!

And the list goes on and on...

Here's some blog fodder from recent times. Enjoy.

Take care - Me

-- For those of you not in the know (as I was the DAY before this was due) the above character you see is Flat Stanley. Moosie was in charge of dressing him and apparently we were supposed to be taking him with us for the previous few days. This did not happen, so we rushed around, got him clothed and took him sight-seeing. More photos can be found on the Gives Thanks blog.

Not so catchy title...

2008-04-02T13:15:00.013-06:00

OK, hang on. It's been a while since an update and truthfully, I really don't feel like doing now. I would say that I'm probably still not much on communication these days. Some days are better than others. This is a better one, so I'd best get busy.

Yes, I really do knit. This is a scarf/headband that I started on this past winter. This is the second one of this pattern that I've made. If you need more info on it, let me know.

Yes, we still have horses. I was able to get this shot the other day as the two horses were really cutting up - running, bucking and generally enjoying the great weather.

The kids did great at the local science fair (Moosie got 1st & Rokimus got 2nd) sending us on to the regional fair. Moosie again won first in her age group and we have done our best to tell Rokimus that it's great he made it this far on the first science fair attempt!

Spring has sprung here in the south. All the lovely flowers and trees blooming out in glorious colors. All that lovely, snot-forming pollen just coating the earth like a gently laid blanket warming our souls with sneezes, watery eyes and sinus infections.

Last, but not least, racing season has started. Kind of. If we can keep drive shafts, bell-housings and the like from tearing up. Rokimus starts racing this weekend, weather permitting.

Take care - Me

Gumbo

2008-03-22T08:33:00.006-06:00

At long last, here's the pictures of the gumbo I made a while back. I was going for the taste of Doc's Seafood Shack gumbo. I failed. However, my family had no problems eating it whatsoever.

Take care - Me

Just a few days ago?

2008-03-11T09:36:00.001-06:00

It's hard for me to think that this was a year ago.

I am doing better, I think. At least right now, as in right this moment. One thing I've found, that could change. One year ago, Mother was doing well, just a bit tired. Now, I've got financial advisors knocking on the door. At least I still have her voice inside my head reminding me that if I can't say something nice - shut up. I haven't talked to them much.

I know that ya'll have prayed for us. Thank you. Please don't think that they didn't work for Mother or that they're not working for us. They did & they are. And we need them. Desperately. There's another family we know that is going through the exact same thing we did almost one year ago, down to the type, location and doctors that have/are working on him. He is only 44. If you've got extra prayer in you - they need it.

I still haven't forgotten about the gumbo pictures. They will be posted. Probably not this week. Maybe next. I'm leaving on a jet plane/Honda Thursday. Right after I cut payroll and make sure that I fax the MS State Tax Commission the appropriate paperwork.

For those of you who have called or emailed, thank you. I'm almost ready to talk to folks again. Please don't give up on me. I'll get there. Eventually.

Take care - Me

Pain and Loss...

2008-02-28T21:17:00.001-06:00

I am not doing well. I hope you are doing better.

I did finish the gumbo and hope to be able to post something better than this dribble soon.

Take care - me

The almost gumbo...

2008-02-21T13:05:00.004-06:00

Every now and then I think that I should attempt to cook something. Something out of my norm and normally, out of my experience level. Yesterday, I thought I should attempt gumbo. Thanks to EB's recipes, I had several to choose from.

I chose this one, then headed to the nearest local grocery. Of course, this one called for a cast iron Dutch oven, which I did not have, but bought, in bright green no less. It also calls for file powder, as any self-respecting gumbo should. Of course, with my run of luck lately*, it should not come as a surprise that this grocery did not have any file powder. Luckily, I did marry the right guy, the guy who realized he is currently married to a woman on edge, the guy who responded to my desperate phone call by finding my file powder and therefore insuring that he would not need the bail money set aside for such an occasion.

After spending an extraordinary amount of money for something I'm not even sure will be edible, I headed to the house to start the cooking. I chopped, diced, seeded, roasted, stirred and waited. I had it timed down to the minute when Speedy would walk through the door. I was measuring out the water for the rice and fixin' to cut the homemade bread to spread the roasted garlic/butter on while the cookie dough rested on the counter. Every thing was going great. The house smelled like cajun roasted garlic.

Then, in the split of a pea, nothing. Total silence. Total loss of electricity. Total "you have GOT to be shitting me!" No worries, it will come back on in a minute, right?! No. It won't. In fact, it did not come back on until around 6:30 that evening. After we had eaten KFC. After the roasted garlic had cooled. After I had figured that the universe was totally not happy with me.

So, the gumbo will possibly happen Friday night. Hopefully. Very hopefully, so long as the universe doesn't decide to knock the power off again.

*Examples of my run of luck lately: Mother - died; Son - school called that he's running fever; Daughter - about to lose yet another tooth which will give her NO front teeth; wallet - left in the VW while I drove the Honda; much needed Wisconsin land deed of Mother's - none of the aunts has a copy, had to contact the office in Wisconsin and they won't send it without being paid their $2.00 fee and they don't accept credit cards (see wallet note)... and the list just keeps on going...

Take care - Me

Free

2008-02-18T12:21:00.010-06:00

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me,

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.

I found that place at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full. I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me.

God wanted me now. He set me free.

~Author unknown

I'm taking some time to gather my thoughts on all that has happened in the past month or so. Please be patient with me as my family and I try to live our lives without this amazing person being here. Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers being sent our way. They really do help and they are greatly appreciated.

Take care - Me

At Peace.

2008-02-12T18:36:00.000-06:00

It is with tremendous sadness that I must report the death of KnitMom. She died just after 6:00PM this evening. She has endured the wrath of metastatic pancreatic cancer for almost a year. She had a tremendous will, and persevered until the Spring. She said from the beginning that Spring would be a nice time to die. I never thought for a moment that she would survive long enough to see it, and while the calendar may not reflect the season quite yet, the weather this week certainly does. The last few weeks, and especially the most recent few days, have been exceptionally difficult for her and her daughters to endure as her body slowly shut down. Mercifully, her physical agony is over. Now, a different suffering begins as our Knitter and her Sister learn to live with the gaping hole in their hearts left by the absence of their beloved mother. KnitMom was an amazing woman, and produced two unbelievably strong daughters. She ran a tire & auto repair business for the last several years, which is a bit unusual in the Deep South. And while not a Southerner by birth, she became a well-adapted Yankee. She was exceptionally kind, and I don't have a single memory of her that doesn't include her smile. There will be a memorial service in the next few days, followed by her cremation. Knitter & her family will take the ashes to be buried at KnitMom's chosen location in her beloved native state when Spring arrives in the upper mid-west.

Knitter, her mom, and her sister - June, 2007

Eternal rest grant unto her O Lord,

And let perpetual Light shine upon her.

May her soul,

And the souls of all the faithful departed,

Through the mercy of God,

Rest in peace.

Amen.

A moment of levity...

2008-02-08T15:45:00.000-06:00

Knitter requested that I post this picture for her entertainment.

There is very little joy to be found today in KnitMom's hospital room. Still, our friend Knitter felt that the sight of Marcus in a pair of pants is such a rarity that it MUST be shared.

So, here is your smile for the day:

What? You've never seen long pants before?

Praying for a peaceful transition...

2008-02-07T12:32:00.000-06:00

Note: KnitForKnot has asked me to step in and help keep everyone in the loop these days. I will refer to her "Mother" as "KnitMom."

Fortunately, when KnitMom chose her oncologist, she chose wisely. When she decided that she would feel more comfortable abandoning hospice care at home to return to the hospital, it only required a phone call. Dr. Wonderful took care of everything except driving KnitMom to the hospital. And, he let our Knitter and her Sister know that any needs they, or KnitMom have will be met. (He did remind them that despite their previous suggestions, he is not able to have the hospital room repainted on such short notice.)

So, KnitMom is likely in her final room in this life. (As always, KnitMom and her girls have even found the bright spot there: the room number is the same as the time of day that Moosie was born and the same as a recent high test score Moosie made!)

By all reports, she is comfortable now. Knitter estimates that KnitMom is sleeping 95% of the time. KnitMom has almost stopped talking.

The time is almost upon us for KnitMom to end this portion of her journey and embark upon her next adventure. Let's all pray that her transition is peaceful.

tlm

Blah, blah, blah... No.324

2008-02-06T09:41:00.000-06:00

I don't really feel like blogging. I don't really feel like talking at all. I would love to be in a corner chewing my hair and mumbling obscene comments, but life won't let me at this point.

Mother is home. We brought her home with hospice last Thursday. She's glad to be home and that's the only thing that counts in my opinion. Her happiness and comfort. My sister is staying there with her 24/7. My grandmother and one of my aunts is here also. God help us. And help us now, please. Enough said about that.

At last count, which was about 2 weeks ago, Mother's CA19-9 was 912,948. Yes, that's almost one MILLION. The doc says that if he were to check it again, it would be well over one million. MILLION. Yes, she's set a record. Yes, she's very pleased with this. :) I mean really, she might as well get something out of this horrible disease!

Honestly though, I don't really expect her to be with us much longer. She's sleeping more and more & she's really tired. Tired of fighting, of pain and of having this intruder in her body. She's at peace with the afterlife and is ready to face it head on. We are, as always, on God's time now.

On other news, the kids did great in the science fair! Moosie won 1st in division one (1st-3rd) grade in the category of microbiology with the title of Booger Challenge. Rokimus won 2nd in that division, category of engineering with the title Need for Speed. We will be going to MSU in late March for regional.

Here's where my perspective gets a bit whacked. I know that we, most likely, will have had Mother's service and will be burying her ashes after this science fair trip. We will not try to make the trip to Wisconsin to bury them before the science fair, as that would likely cause Mother to come back and haunt me. She is determined that those kids go to MSU and that I accompany them. My sister also will hopefully attend with us. We'll have the local service before the science fair, then bury the ashes sometime after that.

Everything that is now mentioned as a tentative plan is automatically entered into my brain as being before or after Mother dies. This is not a happy state of mind to be in.

Take care - Me

Probably the last hospital stay...

2008-01-31T06:20:00.001-06:00

We've been in the hospital for the past several days. There was a reoccurrence of the pneumonia along with other infected bacteria in Mother.

The list of things wrong is long at this point and I really don't have the energy to go into all of that right now. Mentally and spiritually, Mother is amazing. Physically, she's tired. Tired of pain, of not being the person she used to be. The latest treatment option had no affect whatsoever. I've had a discussion with the kids that Ganny does not have much time left here. We don't know when, but it will probably be sooner than later.

The doctor has actually used the term "terminal" stage. Mother knows this and is ready for the life hearafter. We may get to take her home with hospice today or in the next few days. We really are on a day by day basis. I do know that she has six more potholders to crochet and I need to buy the yarn for one of them. At 1 potholder per day, we've got at least 6 days. She is determined to get those things done! :)

I know that you've been keeping us in your prayers and thoughts. Thank you, and please continue to do so. We desperately need them.

Take care - Me

Better than a Xanax...

2008-01-12T09:20:00.000-06:00

What's that? Life got you down? Don't know how to handle all the junk life is throwing your way? Busy rushing around trying to figure out the latest loopholes in this year's taxes? Are your kids driving you up the wall and taking down the ladder? Have so much laundry that there's now just a path to walk through the house and all your family is having to run around in the old, dingy undies?

I have the solution. No, it won't do your taxes or clean your clothes. It will close your children's mouths and make you change your undies in a mere bite though.

Go here. Now. Right now. Make these. Then send me and the originator a thank you.

And don't be a fool like I am - make the full recipe, do not cut it in half thinking you won't possibly need all that. You will. You definitely will.

Your welcome.

Take care - Me

Home again...

2008-01-10T08:04:00.000-06:00

My sister took Mother home yesterday evening. While in the hospital, she was given 4 units of blood, numerous units of antibiotics and various other meds. Before leaving the hospital, they had called in another oral antibiotic to fight another bacterial culture that had grown out. That's two oral antibiotics that she's on at home - one for the bronchial pneumonia and one for the bacterial bloodstream infection.

She'll also start Tarceva today. This one will hopefully stop the growth of the cancer, allowing for a bit more quality time. Should she not respond well to this, she will not take it. I so respect her for both trying a new treatment and for standing up and saying that quality is more important that quantity. If this drug causes her to feel worse than she does now, then it's a no go. We'd rather have her for a shorter amount of time feeling relatively well, than to have her suffer for an extended period. This cancer has already caused multiple issues in organs other than the pancreas. We don't need another drug to make her feel worse.

I talked to her just a few minutes ago and she's doing pretty good. She informed me that she thought all hospital beds should have the modal sheets and feather pillows. :) She's also looking forward to the Hardee's biscuit and sausage gravy that my sister is bringing her shortly.

Thanks again for the well wishes. I'll keep you posted when I can.

Take care - Me

Hospital Stay No. I really can't remember...

2008-01-07T19:28:00.000-06:00

We've been in the hospital since 2 am last Friday.

Bloodstream infection, possible lung issues, ie: possible pneumonia, low blood counts and low platelets. Along with other various lows and highs in the blood tests that go with having this cancer at this stage.

It's not staph, and the current antibiotic seems to be working. They've said a possible release date could be Wednesday, but we're taking it day by day. Today was a pretty good day considering, and that is something to be thankful for.

I want to thank all of you that are sending healing thoughts our way - they're working and we really need them.

Take care - Me

2008-01-03T19:00:00.000-06:00

2008-01-03T18:54:00.000-06:00

Hostess with the mostess...

2008-01-03T18:04:00.000-06:00

Forewarning: this blog is extremely wordy!

So, this past weekend was a time for remembering, crying, and being there for each other. A time for catching up and asking why it takes a funeral for us all to get together. A time for ceremony, thinking of your spiritual beliefs and supporting one another, sometime physically but most important emotionally. A time when you find yourself in another town, really too far to drive back home. A time when you say to one of your best friends, yes, I’ll stay with total strangers that are friends with your mother.

It was also a time for me to stay in a home of huge proportions. Arriving at this home, in the dark, we pulled up to a four-car garage. We had been told to enter through the door in the middle of the garage, through the garage, then into the home through that door. The outside garage entry door included ornate ironwork. The actual garage was larger than my previous house.

To enter a house and be walking on beautiful deep cherry floors, looking up at twelve-foot ceilings made me trust my friend more and more with each step I took into this immaculate home. The tile work in the kitchen and resting area was unique and comforting with their earthy tones of green, blue and terra cotta. And the twelve-foot ceilings. The kitchen was outfitted with Viking appliances, including the microwave. In the center of the kitchen was the enormous island topped with teak. The maple cabinets with their warm, burnt sienna glaze begged to be looked through for ingredients in preparation of your next gourmet masterpiece. If that masterpiece happened to include a pasta dish, no worries, just use the pasta faucet at the eight-burner Viking gas range. Or maybe you needed to grill your salmon while keeping your dill sauce warm, again, no worries, as the warming drawer was conveniently located under the range. What’s that? You need to prep some veggies while someone else fills the glasses? Just stand at the island to prep at that sink while the other person is over at the granite counter/bar filling the glasses with ice from the below counter ice maker then filling them with drinks from the Subzero fridge. Or maybe, they’ve reached into the 15’x15’ pantry to grab something from there.

Of course, they could just walk across the resting room to the granite topped side bar, reach into the fridge for an ice-cold beer, scoop some ice from that in-cabinet ice maker, open the maple/glass enclosed doors for a really refreshing beverage. But let’s not go there, as we don’t want to numb this experience. We want to continue to enjoy every single moment.

You could serve your meal at the kitchen table, with its hand-painted top overlooking the back veranda arranged with several seating areas, or you could walk across the hall to the beautiful jewel-toned dining room with its table for twelve to dine under the crystal and iron chandelier.

I honestly cannot remember how many bedrooms there were on the first or second floor. I can remember that each one was well appointed, warm and welcoming. Especially as each one had its own private bath. I do remember the master bath. With his and hers sides. That’s right, sides, not sinks. Joining the two sides was a shower room with multiple showerheads and beautiful tile work. You could reach for your towels from one of the beautiful deep stained wood built-ins.

You could then take one of two staircases up to the second floor, or if loaded down, use the elevator. (let’s let that one sink in… elevator) Up those gently winding, cherry-topped steps you would arrive at a long hall and at least ten-foot ceilings. On one end of the hall you could open the double doors and be encased in the media room, complete with drop down viewing screen, six or so leather recliners with cup holders. You could also prepare a small feast there from that full-size fridge, granite counter top, microwave and in-cabinet icemaker. Or you could shoot pool at the pool table, play poker at the poker table, or overlook the woods from the end room window. You would be able to see what you were doing by turning on the Tiffany-style lamps above each of these areas.

Down the hall were additional bedrooms, workout room, second floor laundry area, and other various doorways that, quite honestly, I just didn’t open to explore. Each room I saw had it’s own unique feel and was as welcoming as one could ask for.

The only thing I have ever seen that was larger than this home was the heart of the people that own it. Debbie and Carlos not only opened their doors to two strangers, they opened their hearts and welcomed us in. While, yes, this house was unbelievably huge, it is a home, make no mistake. They have made it a home where you are enveloped by their generosity and caring from the moment you walk through the door and you feel it long after you’ve walked out.

I have stayed in smaller houses and not felt as welcomed as I was in their home. For that, I will forever remember them.

Take care - Me

Coming soon to a blog near you...

2008-01-03T09:37:00.001-06:00

I've actually down loaded the photos taken this past weekend with my camera phone. I do believe that, due to the sheer size of the item I was shooting, it's numbed my brain and all blogging abilities.

I'm trying to get what little intelligent facilities I had to warm back up to the idea of actually working. Perhaps this afternoon/evening, I will have better luck putting it all in perspective.

Until then,

Take care - Me

For the MarLo House & Family...

2008-01-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

This is what Mother will have placed on her memorial card. I hope it helps.

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full. I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now. He set me free.

~Author unknown

Take care - Me

Happy New Day

2007-12-31T06:59:00.000-06:00

No, that's not a typo in the title. We should recognize that every day is a new beginning, just like what tonight/tomorrow is for us. We should appreciate what the new chance every morning when we wake up means to us.

I'm back from the funeral and will post more on that later. For now, I will be getting ready shortly, loading the kids in the VW and heading to the tire store to handle year-end stuff.

May the best of last year be the worst of next.

Take care - Me

Lo Needs Prayers

2007-12-27T07:36:00.000-06:00

The MarLo house needs your prayers.

Last night, Lo's Daddy passed away unexpectedly.

Please keep the whole MarLo family in your thoughts and prayers as they try to get through this troubling time.

For those who know us in person, I should know arrangement information shortly if you would like to call me. I'm at home right now, with expectations to go up there either this afternoon or in the morning.

Take care - Me

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T12:25:00.000-06:00

Peace on earth, goodwill to all...

May your day be Blessed from God, may peace be within your heart so that it might shine out to others, may you see the gifts that are not under the tree but within the heart.

Take care - Me

Oh yeah, that Christmas spirit...

2007-12-17T16:22:00.000-06:00

So, until today, I've been somewhat in the Christmas mood. I've actually decorated, bought some gifts & had the kids wrapping some of those. Those gifts not from Santa. I've been playing the holiday music and even sing along when nobody is within hearing range so as not to ruin their ears.

Today I finished my part of the Christmas shopping. This year I've actually done my shopping, most of Mother's and Daddy's & some of my sister's.

Today kinda crept up on me when I least expected it. Like standing in Sam's looking for the carbon-copy receipt books for the store and getting a call from Mother to say that my uncle, in fact, does not have cancer. The spots on his lungs are just that, spots. Probably from the infection he's currently fighting. That's great. Really. I'm very happy to hear that my aunt, uncle & cousins don't have to go through what we're going through.

On the other hand, a part of me is saying it's not fair. Why couldn't we have been able to make that phone call too? Why does cancer skip some and hit others? I certainly wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, but sometimes life is very unfair. I'm sure that sounds as childish to you as it does to me, but it's a sound statement. I don't like looking at gifts I've bought for my Mother and thinking that I hope she lives long enough to get some enjoyment out of them. I don't like her telling me not to go overboard buying her things. I don't like that she's not strong enough to go out and do her own shopping. She loves to surprise us with her gifts, but this year that just hasn't been possible. I hate seeing her cry over things like telling me to pick out my own pajamas because she doesn't have the strength to walk into the store.

I listen to a lot of the older classic Christmas music. I remember standing in our kitchen as a child with the Kringla baking and dancing with my Mother. I remember her telling me not to watch my feet. I am missing my mother before she's even gone and there's a part of me that feels guilty about that. But there is a large part of my heart that is crying.

Take care - Me

List No. 359...

2007-12-12T16:36:00.000-06:00

Christmas Music on iPod - Check (A couple of weeks ago)

Lights - Check (Last week)

Christmas Tree - Check (Today)

Christmas Gifts - Nope. Not all bought, none wrapped, some I don't even know what I'm getting. And while I did purchase the first gift online on Black Friday, the majority of the shopping has been done in the past 7 days.

This one's for you, Marcus. :)

Take care - Me

And for everything, a reason...

2007-12-05T19:09:00.000-06:00

I'm one of those that believes everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we won't know the reason until much later in life, or sometimes, the reason is fairly immediate.

Such was the case a couple of weeks ago.

I had to shop at the local Wally World. Normally I am in and out of there in under an hour. I do NOT like shopping there, but there are times when it's just unavoidable. I become one of the most impatient people in that store. I don't browse, I don't deviate from my planned list of goods which is made out according to the store layout. I try to get into the shortest checkout line and if this store offered the automated checkout, I would choose that.

On that evening, when I had been away from my home all day, taking care of Mother, I went there, did my shopping in record time and had loaded my groceries on the checkout belt. The people in front of me were in the process of checking out, so I thought this was going to be a breeze. Instead, the young girl processing their payment form made an error. The manager had to be called and my thoughts of getting out of there quickly came to a screeching halt. The cashier offered to put my items back into my cart so that I could switch lanes. Where normally I would take her up on that offer, I felt calm and peaceful. I told her that I could wait, no worries. After about 15 minutes, we were able to continue. The cashier felt horrible about her mistake and the time it had cost me. I calmly told her not to worry about it, everything happens for a reason and I'm sure it would all work out OK.

Driving home, about 3 miles into that 10 mile country drive, I came across a horrific accident. Flipped cars, broken windshields, etc. It had happened about the time I would have been driving through had I not waited in that line. I got chills as I slowly made my way past the county patrol cars and ambulances. I said a thank you to God and His angels watching over me. For there, but by the Grace of God, go I.

Take care - Me

They’re not who we think they are…

2007-11-29T16:16:00.000-06:00

After reading another blog, which has since been edited to take a paragraph or so out, I feel the need to set some things straight.

While my mother is going to die from cancer, probably within the next 3 to 6 months, she is not a saint. She has made some choices in her life that I totally don’t agree with. She’s human. I’ve made choices in my life that others don’t agree with. That’s life. In fact, it’s our lives to lead as individuals. The choices we make are ours. That’s what makes our lives ours. Just because someone is going to die or has died does not make their lives automatically perfect and without fault.

Whether our parents/loved ones are alive or dead, the way we live our lives now is our choice. There comes a point in life where we have to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions. We can lament about how life is just not fair and how bad we’ve got it, but truly, if we allow those negatives to take over our lives, then we are to blame. No one else. We cannot let others tell us how to live our lives, how to dress, eat, act, etc. and expect to be satisfied with who we are as individuals. We will never realize our potential unless we stand up for ourselves and the decisions we make, even if it’s standing up to parents or people that are close to us.

Before my mother was diagnosed, I knew that her choices were just that – her choices. The way she lives her life is not my decision to make. However I have the right to stand up for my beliefs and she can either respect my beliefs and how I live my life, raise my family, etc. or we cannot have a relationship. It all boils down to choice.

I choose to not stay home crying about what’s happening or what’s happened in the past. I choose to try to look at the brighter side, even though at times that brighter side is barely a dim night-light. I choose to love my mother, even though she’s not perfect. I choose to not be a doormat to anyone anymore. I’ve been there and it’s a downtrodden, horrible feeling. This is my life. I’ve got this life to live and by gosh, I’m going to live it to the fullest and be the best me I can be without someone else telling me how to do it.

If, at the end of my journey, I have the chance, I hope to look back and see that I've made mostly good choices. Good choices for my life. Choices that made me a better person, one my children can look up to. Choices that will allow the people I love to see my love for them reflected in the life choices I made. I certainly don't want them sitting around calling me a saint and putting me on a pedestal. While grief is a natural emotion, I hope that after my death they will see that life does go on. With or without them. It's up to them to get back on the road to their own lives and not waste any more time. Life goes on and they have choices to make.

Take care - Me

Out the mouth, to the ear, in the heart...

2007-11-27T17:57:00.000-06:00

In the car, coming from the 7 year olds in the back seat:

Them: Mama, how do girl dogs have babies

Me Thinking: Thank goodness they didn't ask Granny or Daddy...

Me Answering with the typical boy parts & girl parts mingle...

Them: But how does that work...

Me.... ..... .....

Me Answering about sperm & eggs & birth... in a very basic way

Them: Ewwwww... Uggh... Can we have cookies when we get home?

Me: We all need cookies when we get home

In my mother's house:

Mother: I have something I need to tell you

Me Thinking: Well, it can't really be all that bad, I already know that she's got a incurable cancer...

Mother:... You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Not just on the outside, but on the inside, where it counts. You are so special, not just to me, but anyone that knows you. I hope you realize how special you are. I hope you know just how proud I am of you.

Me...

Me... Thank you Mother. I love you.

Later on the phone...

Me: Mother, that was the best compliment I have ever had. Thank you.

Mother: I should have told you years ago.

Me: I might not have really heard it years ago like I did today.

Mother: It was from my heart.

Me: It went from yours straight to mine & I will always remember it. I love you.

You never know what a day holds. I certainly could have never guessed that these conversations would happen within the same day. I do believe that I shall always remember them both.

Take care - Me

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...

2007-11-23T14:25:00.000-06:00

At long last, it is done. The Noah's Ark for the local church has been completed. Glory be unto God.

Thanksgiving Day, Happy?

2007-11-23T08:33:00.001-06:00

While I am not the world's most consistent blogger, I've really let it go this time. For a week my family has been sick. I'm talking grab the toilet, walk around with puke-bucket sick. The.Whole.Family. Even the in-laws. I should be in Sikeston, MO celebrating this time of giving thanks and eating too much with my Mother and her family. I'm not. I'm here in LaLa trying to get over my sore throat, ear ache and ever-present fever while taking care of my two kids and a husband that is trying to work while feeling about as green as pea soup.

So, am I thankful? Yes. I'm thankful for the following:

Take care - me

Bittersweet birthday...

2007-11-14T10:01:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday at 6:59am I actually entered my 36th year. Moosie gave to me a hand-sewn elephant and 36 cents. Rokimus gave me a scarf he’s been knitting on for the past year. Speedy gifted me with a couple of wonderful cards and a picture of the digital camera body we’ll be ordering in the next day or two.

I went to the store to do the accounting things that need to be done every few days or so, then attending lunch with Mother, the Crazy Norwegian Woman, and a friend of my Mom’s whom I’ve known for many years. After a delicious lunch and visit, Mom wanted to go back to the store to work on some things that she still does and then I was off to pick up the kids from school. After homework we went to the closest town to meet my dad, sister, mother and CNW for a birthday supper. The service was lacking, but the food was great.

Speedy, the kids and I then went to Wally World to find Moosie a new book bag as her old one quit zipping up and Rokimus some new pants/shoes as his latest growth spurt has left us with 2 pairs of shoes & 3 pairs of school pants that are actually long enough. Then, it was home, where Moosie screamed for hours because she didn’t get any new clothes & Rokimus just sat quietly as he has gotten in MAJOR trouble lately and knew my patience was short. Then, off to bed. What a day.

Now, I know that all that sounds like a really trivial day. Very ho-hum. And I wasn’t sure if I’d actually post anymore than what I’ve already said. But, maybe, by writing this stuff out, it will help me get a grip.

You see, all day yesterday I knew that it was the last birthday I’d ever spend with my Mother there. I did not get any alone time with her. I forgot my camera; so there are no pictures for me to look back on to help remember that day. I had to hear her talk about how when she’s gone & I come across some quilting project that she hasn’t finished, I’m to give it to Ms. Faye to finish for me. I remembered some of the birthdays I had growing up. Like the one at MSMS when she traveled, by herself, to take me and some friends out to eat. You look back and think, I’ve been here 36 years, and I cannot imagine her not being there to call me on my birthday. Or to tell me that I’m doing a good job raising my children. Or to feel her arms around me when I feel so lost and confused about what I’m doing. She has always been the one to encourage my artistic nature. The one that’s excited about my new projects or ideas. We may not have always seen eye to eye, but there was never any doubt about her love for me. It’s a hard thing to swallow that a year from now, barring a miracle, she will not be the voice on the other end of the phone telling me happy birthday.

This too shall pass.

Take care.

Raise Your Voice!

2007-11-08T08:26:00.001-06:00

November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. Wear purple, tell people and spread hope.

Thanks!

Take care - Me

A week in the life... and some pics... a week late of course

2007-11-07T16:25:00.000-06:00

OK, hang on, ‘cause this one is going to be quick.

Sunday:
Turtle cake made, gocart cake bought. However, as with all things connected to our household, it doesn’t take long for a bit of added, not wanted, stress to be piled on. Like trying to get my mother and her mother from Wisconsin down here via Nashville on the day before the party. And, oh yeah, the party being moved up two days per her request. Or stress that comes from the place you ordered the picture gocart cake from calling the morning before the party to say their printer broke. Do we just want a plain cake? Hum…. Let me think…. NO!??! Rushing to town to get that photo to take 30 minutes south to another grocery store that stops taking orders at noon. Thank you Lord for my racecar-driving husband. Party went well though. Getting house clean enough for other people to see it, buying gifts for my kids & the kid whose party they attended the night before the party left me very glad to see the end of that weekend.

Monday:
Homemade potato leek soup with homemade whole wheat bread made for my mother & her mother. Entire day spent with them.

Tuesday:
For their actual birthday, I made cookies & took them to the school. That night we had a family meal of boiled shrimp, cole slaw, cracklin’ cornbread, black olives, cucumbers, avocados, and tomatoes… you know, their favorites. Oh yeah, and left over cake.

Wednesday:
The next night was Halloween. One turtle (Moosie), one mummy (Rokimus), one witch (me), one gypsy (Mother), one IS Director (Speedy) and one crazy Old Norwegian woman (my grandmother as herself). Enough said.

I realize that I've not blurred out our images as I normally do. If you feel the need to actually come to my house, knock on my door and mess with my life, then woe be unto you. I have so much stress in my life right now that I really need a good stress relief, so bring it on. We live in the country & we do own guns. I'm even certified to use it. How's that for redneck?!

Thursday – Saturday:
The next couple of days were busy getting ready for local Middle La La Day. That’s right, a day when people fill up my front yard with their vehicles & junk. Literally. Cars & trucks were parked in my front yard so that they could sell their junk to the folks attending this thing. Those folks even had the nerve to cut some of my pecan branches, with pecans still attached. This day, for our community, is HUGE. People actually look forward to this day. They travel to get here. Amazing. There were cracklins to be bought, homemade hominy, and yes, even chitlins. There was bad country music out the wazoo. Practically in my front yard. And there were a bunch of people that attended. Over 100. And for someone like myself, who feels as though I live in a fish bowl on an average day, I felt horrified that there were so many people near my private space. My private space being the 5 acres we live on. I need tall ceilings and room around me.

All of this doesn’t include the month-end stuff that goes with running a small business, Mother's oncology doctor visit or the daily housework, but there’s only so much time I’ve got. So, that’s it for now. I’ve got to get busy with all the stuff that should have been done last week, but didn’t. Along with the stuff that needs to be done this week, but probably won’t.

Take care - Me

Seven years + Two Lives = Countless Blessings...

2007-10-30T09:35:00.002-06:00

Seven years ago you thrilled me on Saturday nights when you would hiccup your way through your father’s races. As soon as his group of cars would come onto the track, you would wake up and hiccup until the race was over. I would feel you moving as I drove to school in the mornings, singing at the top of my lungs in my sister’s VW Bug. The sound of your heartbeats in the doctor’s office and the sight of your tiny hands and feet would bring a sigh of happiness and contentment to my soul.

I am so blessed that you both choose me to come to. Of all the women in the world, I am the one that got to carry and nourish you for nine months inside my body. The day you were born, I was the one blessed to meet you for the first time. To hold you, tell you I love you and promise to take care of you to the best of my ability. It’s been wonderful getting to know you as individuals, and I look forward to seeing you become the people you were meant to be. Thank you for being you.

I love you Moosie and Rokimus. Happy seven years of life!

Au revoir bon ami...

2007-10-25T08:52:00.000-06:00

You have been with me for a while. Your shiny surface brought me up from my morning stupors. The aroma drifting from your depths soothed my soul like no drip could ever possibly hope to. From the organic, fair trade breakfast blends to the French roast Brazilian that you cradled so lovingly - your elixir made those days special. I remember finding you, a $40 pot, for only $10. I knew you’d been made just for me.

I have to let you go now. Perhaps your base will become a lovely candleholder, something to remind me of our special relationship. Please know that you were priceless to me. You filled my senses with your deep roasted aroma and liquid love. I will always remember you. Thank you.

Blah, blah, blah...

2007-10-23T15:43:00.000-06:00

I’ve sat down to blog after being told by my friends that it’s been almost 14 days since my last entry. Now, this should tell you that life seems to be moving impossibly fast for me as I could have sworn that it’s only been a few days since that entry.

Of course, life does tend to speed up in relative time when shit happens. Shit like your daughter running full out into the side of a parked truck, only to fall face first onto a rock. The rock and truck are just fine, but they’ve done considerable damage to my Moosie’s mouth. She’s now running around with two less teeth, a scraped chin and an impressively busted lower lip. We’re all hoping that perhaps now she will think twice before trying to run full out with her face covered. Hoping, but not holding our breath on that one, as it is a favorite pastime of hers.

Or it could be due to shit like a son having stomach issues. Having issues such as severe cramps and irregular bowel movements. Not all the time, just sometimes. And not running fever. And feeling quite well most of the time, but every now and then, needing to writhe in pain and only want his mamma, not anyone else, not even anyone else to so much as look in his general direction. And yet, moments later he’s feeling well enough to run a marathon around the house and torment his sister about her lack of teeth.

Or, possibly, shit like my mother being 18 hours away in the land of no cell phone reception so that when I wish to hear her voice I have to actually go through my grandmother, aunt, other aunt, or just whomever happens to be near enough to the phone that I’ve been told to call. And if I’m lucky, my mother just might actually be there. Or, she just might be at a local prison visiting a cousin. I tell you, there’s just nothing like calling to talk to your mother only to hear that she’s in prison. And, oh yeah, she’s just visiting there. Of course, there’s always the joyful news that your grandmother will be accompanying her back home. Because apparently the universe thinks I need that extra exercise in patience and understanding.

Maybe it’s due to struggling through a couple of migraines in the past couple of weeks. Can anyone say acupuncture needed – I bet you can! In fact, I’ve gotten my hubby to set me up with a local doc that does acupuncture for headaches. I plan on going in there and telling him which points I need done, because I’m just that nervous going to someone other than my beloved Dr. Turner. I don’t have the time to travel to see Dr. T though, so I’m going to try to make it by with the local doc.

It could also be that I enjoy reading other blogs. In reality, I don’t really think my writing is all that special. I’m much better at reading blogs than I am writing one. I don’t travel that much, I don’t have a fancy degree or an exciting career. My house is nothing to write home about, unless it’s to tell the relatives not to stay here. Honestly, other than having Meniere’s and migraines, a hubby who races, being a mom to twins - one of whom races and one who likes to run into things with her head covered, being a daughter who is losing her mother to Pancreatic cancer, being a tire store manager, a free-lance graphic designer, and let’s not forget, never-ending ark painter – I am just not all that interesting or exciting. But I am blessed to have terrific friends. Friends that urge me to keep blogging. So, friends, thank you. Thank you for the urging, the phone calls and the thoughts that come my way. You mean more to me than you shall ever realize.

Take care - Me

Like a song you can't quit singing...

2007-10-11T10:04:00.001-06:00

So, if you were wondering about my head list, yes, it’s still there. Running, at times, like a rain-swollen, knocking houses over river. And because I don’t really have it in me to be witty or very informative this morning, and because I have a crap load of laundry to catch up on before my household is running around nekkid, here’s today’s version of the list. Please note, these items are in no certain order of importance. Also, some items may be morbid – please don’t be alarmed as Mother is doing relatively well.

Laundry, dishes, dusting, organizing photos into binders, cleaning bookshelves to have room for binders, laundry, boxing old books/toys/clothes for donation, work on guitar manual, restore some of Mother’s childhood pictures for aunts, scan/touch up/organize photos for Mother’s funeral service, laundry, buy kids’ birthday presents, figure out how to make turtle-shaped cake & gocart-shaped cake, buy cookie cutters in same shapes for school birthday party, clean floors, organize closets, take care of the 941 taxes for the tire store, take care of State Withholding taxes for the store, figure out if I need write-offs for my graphic design business, finish the ark painting at the church, wash Rokimus’ racing jacket for Saturday’s race, pull up carpet in all bedrooms/office/playroom, laundry, order Mother’s urn, decide what to do about the new digital camera I’d like for my birthday, decide about purchasing a 1968 VW transporter, contact State Trooper’s office about getting the store set up again to do State Inspection Stickers, decide which kind of alignment machine we need to go with for the store, decide if laptop would really benefit me, check into high-speed for the store so that I can do my graphic work while managing the tire store, spend as much time as I can with Mother/kids/husband/Daddy, make sure the epileptic basset hound gets medicine 3 times a day, back-up my accounting software and the store’s, figure out what to do about our house addition, laundry, blog…

And the list goes on and on.

By the way, Mother’s scan was not real good. The cancer has spread & grown. We’ve changed chemo again. We’re trying one of the older chemos in hopes of keeping her quality of life good for as long as possible. She’ll hopefully be able to receive this one every 6 weeks. The down side is that they can only give it to her 3 or 4 times. Period. 18 to 24 weeks is not that long in the scheme of things. She’s heading home to Wisconsin tomorrow for a couple of weeks. She believes that this will be her last trip home. I’m going to feel very lost without her here.

I hope ya’ll enjoy the moment. Any moment. Because we never really know what the next moment will bring.

Take care – Me

Note to Self No.321...

2007-10-03T15:06:00.000-06:00

When you call a friend to catch up and see how they're doing and they are sitting within a few feet of the phone, yet cannot bring themselves to answer, feel free to blog about said friend. Even when they, themselves, have not updated their own blog in quite some time.

Take care - Me

205,000... and what it'll get you...

2007-10-03T14:30:00.000-06:00

So, if you had $205,000 USD, what could you buy? Well, here's some suggestions:

If it were three years ago and you were Babies R Us, you could pay that amount to implement training due to same sex harassment of a male employee.
Or, if you were in the mood to jump on a boat and escape from your everyday life in the middle of America, you could do it in style on this.

Of course, if you already owned one of those, you could take yourself to your very own island condo.

What's that you say? No desire to travel, no need to leave your house? No problem! That same amount will allow you about 207,070 songs on iTunes. Or, you could buy the iPhone, one year's service, a loaded Mac ProBook with 30" HD Cinema display and about 198,387 songs from iTunes.

I refuse to think that anyone out there that had this kind of money would waste it on a Bill Gates, aka Satan, machine.

If, however, you have a CA 19-9 number of 205,000, this amount gets you several used, snotty tissues, a trip to the CT machine ASAP, a 4 day wait for the CT results and most likely a new chemo regime. We really won't know much more until Friday.

Take care - Me

Look Ma, no autoimmune disorder...

2007-09-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

The past couple of weeks have just flown by. OK, who am I kidding here?! This year, since late March, has whizzed by at the speed of light. Not only have I been kept occupied with graphics work, tire store work and just life in general while living in a house with two racers, one horse rider and our menagerie of animals but there have been a couple of medical developments as well.

I'll go first. As I've mentioned before, I have Meniere's Disease. I'm not going to go into the stats of a person having this except to say that it's not found on every street corner. I've been going to a fancy-shmancy ear clinic in a not-so-close really big city for the past several years but decided due to insurance changes to go to one closer in Big City, which is just a couple of hours away. The doc there was highly recommended by a friend (Thanks Asim!) who is highly knowledgeable about this condition. I was very impressed with the staff there and would recommend them to anyone who's looking for this type of doctor. This doc, Dr. House, (and just how cool is that to say you see Dr. House?!) did the typical hearing tests to check for changes. Apparently, while I'm not having many of the "fits" associated with this disorder, I have developed rapidly progressive hearing loss in my left ear. Now, my MD was diagnosed in my right ear. So, of the .2% populace that has this, I've entered the realm of the "bilateral" section, meaning it's now in both ears.

Blood tests were done to see if it might really be AIED. While noone I know really wants an autoimmune disorder, at least there are treatments, often with some reversal of the loss. I found out yesterday that I do not have AIED. Where does this leave me? This leaves me with no real treatment options to stop the loss of hearing. This leaves me, after a week of researching the treatment options and terms like "possible reversal" feeling pretty sorry for myself. And that sucks. I don't like feeling sorry for myself and expect that this nonsense will end shortly. I don't have time for this kind of energy drain.

However, I'm going to let this rant out. Then maybe I'll be done with it. Do you know how much it sucks to be 36 and be losing your hearing at the rate of an 80-year old construction worker?? Do you know how much I want to grab whomever came up with the "reduce stress and nicotine" theory to keep the fits from happening?! WTF? I am barely hanging onto my sanity as it is right now, and most likely my stress level will not decrease anytime in the near future and you want me to stop smoking. Yes, I'm planning on doing that again this year, but not right now. I feel it's safer for everyone involved if I don't attempt to put them down at this moment. I know that there are hearing aids to assist with hearing. I've tried them and they drove me CRAZY. Can you imagine having tones, rushing noises, ringing, etc with something stuck down your ear? It sucks. Yes, I know that they also have implants that will improve hearing should I lose it to that degree. And yes, should it come to that, I'll give it a go. But none of this information makes having this shit any easier for me right now. No, this is not new news that I have this disorder. But to have the hope that there could possibly be other options, other solutions, ripped away is tough for me to take today. It always sucks when hope is taken out of your reach.

Anywho. Mother's oncology office called and told her she needs a CT scan ASAP. It seems they got the tumor marker back. We don't know the official number yet, we'll find that out Friday, but we've found it's not a real good sign when they call to tell you they've moved up the scan schedule by more than a month. Her number has gone from 55,000 after surgery to 38,000 after a few rounds of chemo to 45,000 to 83,000 to 103,000. The trend doesn't bode well for finding out the newest number.

I'm tired of typing now. I'm sure you're tired of reading. I promise to try to make the next blog entry something a bit more lighthearted. I just didn't have that in me today.

Take care - Me

Hope offers choices...

2007-09-20T06:47:00.000-06:00

Help Kate and her ugly shoes!

So, what happens when you choose to live and life throws your choice out the window? Many people that are diagnosed with pancreatic cancer have to deal with that question. Whether they want to or not. Quite literally, they are told that their choices to make are few. There are few treatments that work, there is no choice for surgery because it's too far gone. I've already complained on here about the lack of funding, the lack of awareness, and I'll not do that again today. Instead I offer you a choice. I'm hoping you'll choose to help out, be it by helping to fund the PANcan or by forwarding this site to others.

Help Kate and her ugly shoes!

Take care - Me

What's your choice?

2007-09-19T07:31:00.000-06:00

I have a theme running through my head lately. It's right there with the constantly running list that goes through my head like a bad jingle from a commercial. That theme is choice.

Every morning we have a choice. We can choose to get out of bed and start our day, or we can choose to stay there and let life pass us by. Everyday, every minute, we make a choice on how to live. Do we choose to look at only the bad? To let the things going on in our lives control our every movement? Do we choose to dwell on the things that have gone wrong and let those bring us down? Or do we choose to let them go, as hard as that may be?

Everyone has something. Something that is not going right for them. Something that is just weighing on their mind, heart and soul at any given moment. It's the choice we make on how to deal with it that matters. If the choice is made to think of nothing except the negative, then that is what will drive our lives - the negative. That negative will explode, contaminating everything else in our lives. Instead, if we can let the negative go, positive will win out. And that positive will touch the things in our lives.

Some people might call this denial. Denial that things are as bad as what they seem. I choose to call it choice. I choose to live my life. period. Because that's what it is - LIFE. If we are not living our lives, then what good is it to wake up and breathe? We all take life for granted. We hear or know of others that could possibly not have their lives months, or even weeks from now. We think, oh, what a shame, or we may even say to ourselves, you just never know. Then there's the proverbial bus that could hit you. And we think about how our lives could be cut short. That thought only last as long as a breath normally, then it's back to getting sucked in by the mundane.

I choose to live. I choose to let things that are out of my control go. Worry and anger have less control over me now. I do not want to live whatever time I have left worrying about my dirty house, the spot that won't come off the car or what my children will grow up to be. I want to live, laugh and love. I want to roll with the punches and come out of adversity wiser. I choose life and I choose to live it, not just go through the motions.

Take care - Me